


write your name all over my paper heart

by toxica939



Series: jack verse [2]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Blow Jobs, F/M, Hand Jobs, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-20
Updated: 2017-04-20
Packaged: 2018-10-21 07:47:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10680870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toxica939/pseuds/toxica939
Summary: Jensen's approaching this thing with Jared the same way he's handling senior year: with a healthy dose of cynicism and a razor sharp tongue. A few fumbled kisses don't make Jared his boyfriend, the same way acing bio doesn't make him a doctor. Except Jared doesn't seem to be pretending it never happened quite the way Jensen expected him to and his mom's got college brochures all over the house. Jensen's carefully constructed island life is tilting faster than he's prepared for. Into something new, something better.Man up Jack, we're just getting started.





	write your name all over my paper heart

**Author's Note:**

> Written for SPN bigbang 2010.

There are certain things you can do in the privacy of your own home that you wouldn't anywhere else. Jensen's not sure if it's because it would be inappropriate in someone else's house or if it's because you spend so much time in your own home that it's only a matter of time before you get around to acting like a crazy person in it. Like pressing your hands against the heaters until they burn or standing with your face pressed against the wall until it's damp with your breath, knowing where the pipes run hot under the bathroom tile and walking them like lines. Like lying on your back on the kitchen floor because you don't know if you ever have before and because it feels like there shouldn't be a single place in your own kitchen that you haven't been.  
  
He finds a note pinned to the underside of the kitchen table while he's trying out these new theories.  
  
 _Is my green earring under the stove by any chance? While you're down there._  
  
Sometimes he thinks he should be worried by just how well his mother knows him.  
  
It  _is_  under the stove and Jensen leaves it on the counter with his own note.  _Do your own dirty work, woman._  
  
“Is there a reason you've decided to clean the house with your own back?” Sophia asks. She's sitting in the middle of the breakfast table with her legs tucked up under her and a coffee cup in her hands. Both of them, because it's one of those cups that look like a bowl. She probably stole it from his mom's shop and hid it in his house. Sophia's sneaky like that.  
  
“Is there a reason you're still here?” Jensen shoots back, pouring his own coffee. His shirt does feel grimy where it's stuck to his back and he shrugs his shoulders inside it.  
  
“I'm just wondering how long you're planning on spending molesting your kitchen before you show your face in public again.”  
  
Typical Sophia. Drinking his coffee and calling him on his shit. It's not even ten thirty.  
  
“I'm not avoiding Jared, if that's what you're getting at.”  
  
She rolls her eyes, “Yeah, okay.”  
  
“I was at school Friday wasn't I?”  
  
Sophia nods mockingly, “Can I just say, you're being real cool about this. Not pathetic at all.”  
  
Jensen throws a dish towel at her. “I'm not the straight guy here. He made out with me and now he's pretending it didn't happen. Which is fine,” he adds, even though it totally isn't, “But I don't have to follow him around like a puppy just so he can turn me down to my face.”  
  
“Because he has such a long history of turning you down. What with the making out and the handjob and all.”  
  
Jared Padalecki jerking him off in Chad's kitchen is not something Jensen needs bringing up again. Seriously. It's not like he's ever going to forget it.  
  
“Jenny you slut,” his mom calls out, bustling into the kitchen, arms full of groceries, “You told me your love was pure.”  
  
Jensen feels his face heat up and Sophia's laughing her head off even as she reaches out to help with the shopping.  
  
“I didn't tell you anything,” he snipes, “Because you're a ridiculous human being. And nothing even happened anyway.” He stalks out of the kitchen in a huff because the alternative is listening to his mother's opinion on his love life and that is not an agony Jensen wants to endure.  
  
“My first born Sophy,” he hears her saying dramatically, “Do you see how he wounds me?”  
  
He's happy to leave them to it and seek solace in his room. The curtains are drawn against the weak morning light, everything black and gray, posters papering the walls and spidering up onto the ceiling, pasted together with splashes of paint and Milo's art. His bed is still unmade and he's still wearing his pyjamas. It makes sense to get back under the covers, headphones in and spare pillow over his face.  
  
Jensen's normally better at taking his family's ribbing, he really is. Hell, he's good enough at dishing it out, it's only fair he learn to take it. But he can't handle jokes about this right now. He spent so long not getting his hopes up about Jared, rationalizing his stupid crush and pushing it down and letting the guy be his fucking friend. And then Jared had to go and ruin it all.  
  
Jared said he was crazy about Jensen, said he only started the job at mom's coffee shop to be closer to Jensen, stretched him loose like bubblegum with butterfly kisses and made Jensen hope. He stumbled home from Jared's porch Thursday with trembling knees and a humming bird in his chest because Jared fucks him up. Jared turns him inside out and hasn't fucking called him. Didn't even look up when Jensen passed by on the boat home from school. Didn't even blink.  
  
Milo had a crush on Sadie Brinkley back in middle school, before he started his whatever with Sophia and Chad. He wrote her a poem, fully illustrated of course, and she laughed in his face in the middle of the cafeteria. Jensen had known it was a bad idea from the start because letting someone know how you feel is the quickest way to let them know how to use it against you. Which sounds melodramatic even in his own head, but it's stopped him getting hurt so far.  
  
He wants to write sonnets for Jared and shout them off the cliffs at the top of Western. Jared terrifies him.

::  
  
Sunday afternoons in Milo's art studio feel even less cool than Friday nights in Chad's basement. Jensen has homework he should be doing, music to download, moping to do. Naturally his friends give less than a shit about all that and Jensen is obviously a better person than he's ever given himself credit for.  
  
That's the only explanation for him sitting on the world's most uncomfortable stool, holding hands with Sophia and letting Milo layer paint over their linked fingers and up his bare arm and torso.  
  
“Is there a reason Chad couldn't do this?” he asks.  
  
Milo blows his bangs out of his eyes and finishes up a particularly decorative swirl, “Chad has sensitive skin. And you needed to leave the house.”  
  
Jensen kicks him, careful to keep the rest of his body still. His arm itches where the paint in starting to dry, feels tight and flakey. “Would you guys get over it? I'm fine.”  
  
“You're moping. And you haven't even gotten dumped yet.”  
  
“I'm not moping. Nothing even happened.”  
  
Milo sets his brush in a jar of water. “Jensen, you made out with Jared Padalecki. You are so gone for him it's not even funny. Maybe he was blowing you off on Friday, or maybe he's just as scared as you are. Either way, man up and talk to him.”  
  
“And say what?” Jensen feels like exploding, Milo channelling Chad was not supposed to be on the cards for today.  
  
Sophia squeezes his fingers, “Jack, you can't just pretend it didn't happen.”  
  
Jensen watches Milo's brush bleed pink into the water, “Can we just not talk about this anymore? Please? I just want to get through the afternoon without even thinking about this. It's pointless.”  
  
“Jack,” Sophia sighs, but Milo shushes her.  
  
“We can do whatever you want this afternoon.”

Milo's probably the nicest guy Jensen knows. It doesn't get him anywhere.

::

Jensen's mom puts a bowl of cereal on the table for him Monday morning. It's a well-known fact that Jensen is like the walking dead until he's had breakfast. She puts a cup of coffee in his hand when he sits down and hops up onto the counter to watch him eat. Mac is rooting in the cereal cupboard for her own breakfast, just an ass in penguin pyjamas and two bare feet.  
  
“You do your homework?” Donna asks, sipping at her own coffee. You'd think she'd be sick of the stuff working in the shop all day. Jensen grunts instead of speaking.  
  
“Mom, I can't find it,” Mac calls out, voice muffled because she's half in the cupboard. Mac's eleven, annoying in a vague sort of way because Jensen doesn't spend a whole lot of time with her. He has friends.  
  
“What's she looking for?” He's been talking about Mac like she's not in the room lately. Jensen figures it's his job to annoy her as much as possible until he leaves home, toughen her up a bit.  
  
“My green earring.”  
  
Jensen laughs, “I put it on the counter for you Saturday morning. I stuck my hand under the stove for that earring.”  
  
Donna shrugs, “Shit happens kid.”  
  
“You're a wonderful role model,” he tells her, getting up to rinse his bowl, “I hope you know that. And you're getting a cheap ass Christmas present if you're just going to hide it around the house.”  
  
Donna snickers, hooks her legs around his waist as Jensen passes and pulls him in close, wraps him up. He wonders if anything will ever soothe his nerves as well as a hug from his mom. That probably doesn't bode well for his future as an independent adult.  
  
“Have a nice day dear,” she says, full of cheer, as though she doesn't know exactly why she just did that. He's grateful for a lot of things she's not calling him on at the moment.  
  
He ruffles Mac's hair on his way out the back door, just to hear her squeal.

::  
  
Getting the boat to school is bad enough at the best of times. It's damp, it's crowded and the metal seats will freeze your ass off even at the height of summer. Today, it's late October and overcast, air heavy with rain and Sophia's been fussing with her hair since they sat down. The ass of Jensen's jeans is wet, ocean spray moistening his lips, salty and bitter. He watches Camden Island fade into the distance, just like every other day.  
  
Jensen hears a sharp laugh across the deck and doesn't turn to look. Jared's sprawled across three seats with Brock and the other football guys, a smattering of hopeful girls hanging off their every word. Jensen's in the corner watching Chad hit on Sophia and Milo paint his nails.  
  
“Padalecki's looking over here,” Chad says, probably just to be annoying.  
  
“Shut up.” Jensen's notebook is open in his lap and his homework is still not finished. “Milo, can I copy your Spanish answers?”  
  
Milo hands it over, page of spidery handwriting and smeared ink. Figures even the dude's homework is interesting.  
  
Sophia nudges Jensen's foot with her own, “He actually is looking. I think he just waved at me.”  
  
“Maybe he likes you,” Jensen mutters, copying out words without even reading them. Milo's stupidly good at Spanish, so Jensen makes sure to mix up some of his own spellings, no point dragging Milo's grade down by getting them caught.  
  
“Don't be a moron,” she yells, raising her voice over the sound of the engine as the boat chugs into port, “We're still on for lunch, yeah? I can't handle another hour of creepy Chris and his wandering hands in the lunch room.”  
  
Jensen shoves his stuff away and does not watch Jared walk past, “Sure, bleachers at two. I might be late if Emerson overruns again.”  
  
It's a short walk uphill from Point Haden to the high school, kids trailing like cattle as the mainlanders zoom by in pick up trucks and busted up little hatch backs, horns honking and catcalling to the island kids. There isn't really a divide between them at school, but everyone knows the mainlanders think the islanders are a little weird. Too much time cooped up together.   
  
Jensen had never heard a joke about inbreeding before high school, but he gets it now.  
  
A black truck pulls up ahead and Jensen watches Jared hop into the bed and reach down to help Lauren climb in after him. Lauren's wearing the tiniest pair of shorts Jensen's ever seen and Ugg boots. Because that makes sense.  
  
It's too early, it's too wet and he is so fucking over this week already. Jensen watches the truck pull away, Jared's laughter trailing behind. It is not his day.

::  
  
Home room is maybe Jensen's favorite part of the day. There's no concentrating to be done, it's loud and unnecessarily messy. Jensen rests his forehead on the desk and closes his eyes. A little peace before algebra is very much welcomed on a Monday morning.  
  
Naturally that means someone has to drop down beside him with a little sweet smelling puff of air. He only raises his head because he's so confused, the only girl he speaks to daily is Sophia and her signature scent is nail polish remover and marker pen. He can't think of a single other girl in the school who doesn't know better than to bother him in the mornings.  
  
It makes sense then that he's never seen this girl before. Figures. New kids tend to flock to Jensen, Chad says it's because they take one look at him and assume he needs a new friend about as badly as they do. But then, Chad's an asshole, so.  
  
The girl's pretty, good skin, wide smile and dark red hair in a ponytail. If he didn't spend so much time around Sophia, he'd probably say very pretty, but he's kind of desensitized to hot girls at this point. They don't do a lot for him anyway. She's kind of generic apart from the face, jeans and a blue hoodie. Probably doesn't want to draw too much attention to herself on the first day, better to wait until she finds out if the cheerleaders are interested before she puts on the mini skirt.   
  
Jesus. That sounds stupid and bitter even to himself.  
  
Jensen nods to her when she smiles. Tries to look as gay as possible in case she's thinking about flirting with him. Which isn't unheard of even from girls who know he likes cock, he's not repulsive or anything.  
  
“I'm Danneel,” she says, “I just transferred.”  
  
Jensen nods again, “Jensen, nice to meet you.”  
  
She squints at him for a second, like she's trying to make a decision. “Do you have a boyfriend?” she asks and seriously? There's no way he is that gay. Even when he's trying.  
  
“Excuse me?” he quirks an eyebrow.  
  
Danneel laughs, shaking her head and flushing, “Sorry, that was kind of rude. It's just, my brother's gay and he hasn't been on a date in a really long time so I.”  
  
Jensen holds up a hand, “Please stop.”  
  
She's still grinning a little. Jensen hates people who deal with embarrassment so well, it's a jealousy thing he figures.  
  
“So you don't have a boyfriend?” He shakes his head. “Girlfriend?”  
  
Jensen rolls his eyes, “I'm gay. But I don't think I want to date your brother.” The way he says it is kind of harsh, but if she wants to talk to him again she'll need to get used to that pretty quick.  
  
“Are you always this easy to talk to?” she asks, as though asking about someone's sexuality in the first minute of knowing them is totally normal.  
  
He shrugs, “Pretty much.”  
  
“Good to know.”  
  
Oddly, Jensen's sort of looking forward to their next conversation already.

::  
  
The bleachers by the football field are deserted, mostly because it's pretty cold out and still thinking about raining.  
  
Jensen  _is_  held up by Emerson, blathering on about going pre-med so Sophia's already sitting down by the time Jensen gets outside. She's got a tiny silver star stuck to her cheek and when he pokes it she sticks one to his hand as well.  
  
Pretty normal for a couple of Camden Island kids, eating lunch in the drizzle, covered in sparkly stars and giggling.  
  
Sophia's probably the best friend Jensen has. She's snarky and sweet and completely fucking herself over with the Chad/Milo thing, but she's a constant. She's always there. Her parents drink more than they should, even though they're not bad guys and Sophia's always spent a lot of her time at Jensen's place. There are three height charts etched into his kitchen door jam and one of them's Sophia's.  
  
Jensen's in the middle of telling her the story of his meeting with Danneel, made vastly more interesting for his audience of course, when she coughs and elbows him sharply in the ribs.   
  
“Incoming.”  
  
And that's all the warning he gets before the football team jogs past.  
  
He watches Jared run, safe from this distance, hair flying out, curling gently in the damp air. He's wearing a shirt tight enough to show off those broad shoulders and Jensen can see the muscles straining in his thighs from here. He's perfection. It was hard enough to watch Jared before, when all he had were his own imaginings. Now he knows what it feels like to be pressed up against all of that, to have those hands spanning his hips, sliding up his back. He knows how firm those shoulders are, how hot he is, what he smells like, how he tastes. It makes his heart catch, body thrumming with want and it isn't fair.  
  
It's sense memory like nothing Jensen's ever had before and he wonders how he's ever supposed to forget. How does his mom get through the day if she feels like this every time she passes the picture of his dad in the hallway? How does she even breathe?  
  
He holds his breath when Jared looks over, lets Sophia wave back when Jared lifts his hand in greeting. He's never wanted anything this badly in his life. He looks at his knees and doesn't even think about picking up his apple. Mostly he wants to bash his head against it.  
  
“This is so fucking awkward,” he mutters, “I wish I'd never even gone over there last week.”  
  
Sophia elbows him again, “No you don't. And you better suck it up quick because he's coming over. Should I leave?”  
  
She looks like she's seriously thinking about leaving him here to do this alone. Like he can be trusted or something. “Don't you fucking dare move.”  
  
It's harder to look at Jared up close. From here, he can see how heavy his breathing is, the flush in his cheeks and that chapped bottom lip he's been trying to forget for, Jesus. Has it only been four days?  
  
Jared's biting his lip when he reaches them, climbing the bleachers two at a time. Jensen watches him shove a hand through his hair and tries to look as cool as he wants to.  
  
“Hi,” Jared says, definitely blushing.  
  
Sophia's rooting in her purse like she lost a diamond in it so Jensen tries to smile, feels it stretch tight across his face like paint. “Hey.”  
  
Jared nods to himself, “So, er. I didn't see you on Friday?”  
  
Jensen's not sure if that's supposed to be a joke or not. “Right, busy day I guess.”  
  
“And I don't have your number so.”  
  
It's a little surprising that Jared's even mentioning out loud that he might be supposed to call Jensen. He wouldn't have thought Jared wanted that to get around.  
  
Jensen sighs, “It's cool. I won't say anything so you can stop worrying about it. It was just a thing.”  
  
“What are you talking about?” Jared asks with a frown. “I wasn't.”  
  
He can't take much more of this and he can see Sophia cutting her eyes at him, so Jensen stands up. “Just forget about it Jared, it's fine.”  
  
Jared grabs his wrist when he tries to slip passed, long fingers tight and warm. “Why are you being an asshole about this?” he hisses, quiet like he doesn't want Sophia to hear.  
  
Jensen tugs free and makes himself keep walking. The asshole thing's just a front, Jensen knows that, but it doesn't hurt.

::

Ignoring Jared is a lot easier after that. He talks to Danneel in home room and doesn't look up to watch Jared pass the open door, he spends every spare minute he has in the library because even though Jensen knows Jared likes to read, he doesn't go near the library because of his allergies. It's sort of like the week he spent ignoring Jared after the awkward handjob he got in Chad's kitchen, Jensen's getting pretty good at it.  
  
If he could just stop thinking about Jared as easily as he can stop seeing him life would be pretty good. Okay not good, but better.  
  
As it is, he can't even jack his own dick in the shower anymore without thinking about Jared's hands on him, about that body pressed up against his back. Jared's so big and Jensen. Anyway, the point is, he's been jacking off a lot lately, but mostly in a guilty sad sort of way. Which is less enjoyable.  
  
His mom throws a college brochure at his head in the middle of 24 and Jensen pauses the TV, fully prepared to bitch her out for assaulting her own child. He bites his tongue when he sees her face.  
  
“What?” he asks.  
  
Donna sits on the other end of the couch, three similar brochures on her lap and looks at him like he just killed Mac and didn't even bother to hide the body. “What?  
  
She sighs, “Why are there forty-seven college brochures in the trash?” she asks.  
  
Oh here we go. Jensen kicks his feet up on the coffee table and clicks the TV off, “They're Sophia's.”  
  
Donna rolls her eyes, “Don't bullshit me. I ordered most of these. Did you even look at them?”  
  
Long enough to convince himself the paper would be no use to roll with, sure. It's not worth trying to come up with some story. “I don't know what you want me to say.”  
  
There's probably something he could do now to stop this fight before it starts, but he doesn't know what it is. As if the last couple of weeks haven't been shitty enough.  
  
“I want you to tell me you haven't been throwing college brochures in the trash without even looking at them. I want you to tell me you don't need to look at these because you already have your heart set on somewhere. I want to lecture you about the importance of a decent safety school and not putting all your eggs in one basket and will you fucking look at me?” she throws the magazines to the floor, mouth tight. “What are you doing kid?”  
  
She doesn't yell at him often, but it's probably easier to take than the quiet disappointment thing.   
  
“Nothing. I'm not doing anything because I'm not going to college.” It's the first time he's actually said it out loud and the sound of it seeps through him like relief.  
  
Donna scoffs, “Don't be so stupid. You're the smartest kid I know.”  
  
Jensen scrambles to his feet, knee knocking painfully into the coffee table, “So what?”  
  
“So you don't want to waste your life in this town.”  
  
“Don't tell me what to do!”  
  
“Jensen, your dad-”  
  
He cuts her off, “Shut up! Just shut up! You don't get to do that, you don't get to use him like that. I am old enough to make my own decisions and this is not your call.”  
  
“Jensen!” she shouts, following him into the hallway as he shoves on his shoes, “Can you stop being so pig headed for one second and think about what you're saying?”  
  
The door slams like a thunderclap and even she's not enough of a hick to follow him into the street yelling.  
  
It's bright out, last Sunday before Halloween, and he has to leapfrog the Henderson's pumpkin graveyard to get to Main Street. He takes a corner at the hardware store and breaks into a run, doesn't even glance in the window of his mom's coffee shop. It's cold out and he forgot his jacket, thin black tee and gray sweatpants, not even close to wind resistant and he climbs the hill on Western.  
  
Most of Camden Island is cliff, pebble beaches few and far between, the roads are steep and winding and he doesn't stop running until he's as high as he can get, any further and he'd have to go back down in a circle to go another round with his mom.  
  
He picks his way down the grassy bank at the side of the path, there's a ledge a little down the cliff, easy to see from the road and probably his best bet to get out of the wind. The water looks a long way down from the edge, but it can't be far because he's got sea spray on his face and the rocks are greened over with slime and moss. His lungs are burning and he sits down, back nestled against cold rock and pebbles in his ass. He's had finer moments.  
  
There's a rocky outcrop to Jensen's left, sheer drop below the old lighthouse and he can make out people in brightly colored jackets picking their way across the rocks, calling out to each other and laughing. Assholes.  
  
The really stupid thing is that he hasn't even totally made his mind up about college, he figures he's still got a month at least before he needs to seriously think about applications. But he just can't. There's no way he can sit with his mom and have some detailed decision about where he wants to go to school because he has no clue. He has no idea where he wants to be, other than away from here. It's easier to pretend he doesn't want to go at all than to try and make a choice like that. He can't do it.  
  
Sophia's already set her sights on New York, Chad's got vague ideas about going down south where the air is hotter and the skirts are shorter. Even Milo's started making noises about telling his mom he wants to go to art school instead of studying economics or business management or whatever shit she's got her heart set on this week. Everyone's got at least half a plan and Jensen's got nothing.  
  
He shuffles over to the edge when his ass starts to ache, stands on slippery rock and watches the waves crash below, foaming white and bursting. The smell of salt is so strong, fresh and biting. It's a shame he's so fucking cold because this is the clearest his head has felt in weeks.  
  
There's a noise behind him, slap of feet on wet ground and a few little rocks go skittering off the edge of the cliff, too small to make a sounds. He's not particularly surprised his mom followed him up here, but he's definitely disappointed she had to ruin this for him.   
  
Which is why he nearly jumps off the ledge in shock when two strong hands grip his hips and yank him back against a broad chest. The smell of Jared is instantly familiar and his hands feel like brands where they're gripping him so tight.   
  
Jared all but picks him up, turning and depositing Jensen in the corner of the ledge, a safe distance from the edge and back against the rock again.  
  
“What the fuck are you doing moron?” Jared yells. His eyes look wild and his hair is windswept beyond recognition. He's still the most beautiful thing Jensen has ever seen.  
  
Jensen folds his arms, “I just needed to clear my head.”  
  
“You don't think this is a little over the top?” Jared throws his arms out to encompass the situation and in Jensen's defence, he didn't actually think Jared would be around to witness his little emo hissy fit on a cliff edge.  
  
“I wasn't going to jump if that's what you're thinking.”  
  
Jared looks completely baffled, “I never know what to think with you. You're fucking insane.”  
  
“Fuck you.” He's a half step away from shoving Jared when he realises where they are. They can't do this here. He turns to scramble up the rocks, back on the grassy verge where the footpath is trying so hard to pretend it's a road, as if anyone's driving up here on an island this small.  
  
He doesn't actually shove Jared when they're both on solid ground, but it feels better to know he's got the option.  
  
“You can leave now,” he spits, “Wouldn't want to risk being seen with me.” It's empty hostility and even Jensen feels a little ashamed of himself for it, but looking at Jared and not being able to have him is not bringing out Jensen's best side.  
  
“What are you talking about? Of course I do.”  
  
“Well you've got a funny way of showing it.”  
  
Jared deflates, doesn't even sound angry anymore. “Jensen, I have no idea what that's even supposed to mean.”  
  
Jensen throws up his hands, “I'm not the one pretending we never even kissed!”  
  
Jared's face colors with disbelief, “Yes. You are,” he says, so much feeling in the words. “You're always the one who pretends nothing ever happened. You ran away after the thing at Chad's and I really thought when you came to my house that night that you were.” he stops, turns his back.  
  
“That I was what?” Jensen asks. He still feels brittle with anger, but his stomach is shivering anyway. He feels like he's back on the edge of that cliff. Like he could jump and this could really go either way.  
  
Jared spins around, “That you were interested? That I haven't just been banging my head against a brick wall for the last few weeks? That you'd finally grown some balls? Take your pick. I thought you were a lot of things.”  
  
The wind is freezing even up here in the sunshine, weather bright and cold and matching Jared eyes better than anything Jensen's ever seen.  
  
“At what point has it ever been unclear that  _I'm_  interested?” he asks. His mother was right, he is pig headed. He can feel all his arguments about this being Jared's fault crumbling like dust.  
  
“You run away whenever you see me. You kissed me and then told me you were going to keep it a secret.”  
  
“I thought that's what you wanted.” The words are flimsy, swept away in the wind.  
  
“I told you what I wanted. I don't know why you won't believe me.” He rubs a hand across his face. “Are you always this much work?”  
  
Jensen huffs a little. There's a smile toying at the corners of Jared's mouth, like some part of him is finding this pathetic display endearing and Jensen wishes the ground would just swallow him up.  
  
“Pretty much.”  
  
Jared nods, rolls his eyes at Jensen shivering. Jensen doesn't say anything when Jared pulls off his hoodie, watches Jared come closer with wide eyes and lets Jared shove him into the warmth. Jared zips him in slowly, eyes locked on Jensen's. Jared is the most open person Jensen knows, feelings on display and heart in his teeth.  _Jared wants me_ , he thinks and it's so absurd his head spins. Jared's so close Jensen can smell him again. He's warm now, wrapped up in soft red material, too long in the arms. He feels cared for and soft inside.  
  
“Jared,” he says, softly because Jared's here now. All hazel eyes and warm breath.  
  
Jared knocks their foreheads together. “You're a fucking moron,” he whispers. “I don't know what you're so scared of.”  
  
Everything, Jensen thinks. You.  
  
“I'm not scared. You're straight.”  
  
Jared laughs, steps in even closer until their bellies touch and Jensen has to tip his head back to look at Jared's face. “Yes Jensen, I'm straight,” he says sarcastically, “I'm so straight you're all I think about.”  
  
“You're ridiculous,” Jensen says, turning his head before it gets too serious. He can't have this. He doesn't get to have this. This is not his life.  
  
Jared catches his chin, tilts his face until they're a breath apart, “You're beautiful.”  
  
Jensen has to hook his fingers into the pockets of Jared's jeans, material rough against his knuckles and grounding when he feels like he could spin into orbit.  
  
He shakes his head. “You don't.”  
  
“Jensen,” Jared says, forceful, “Listen to what I'm saying. Just shut up and listen.”  
  
He's shaking and terrified and not even a little bit ready for this.  
  
“You like me,” he says.   
  
Jared smiles a little, mostly with his eyes, “There we go. And you like me.”  
  
“Of course I do.” It doesn't sound as scary out loud as it does in his head.  
  
Jared leans in even closer, until Jensen can feel their lips brush. His breath catches and his heart pounds, they're on the edge of something and Jensen has no idea where the leap is going to take him. He's trusting Jared with too much here.  
  
“Can I?” It's a murmur, Jared's mouth moving against his already and it's funny really, that Jared still thinks he has to ask.  
  
It's not their first kiss, it's not earth shattering, Jensen does not pass out. It's just Jared, mouth wide and soft, nipping at Jensen's mouth and crushing them together. It's the kind of kiss Jensen didn't think existed. His brain won't switch off, his hands are sweaty and his ears are cold, but it's worth it. To be pressed up against that big body, wrapped up safe.  
  
Jared deepens the kiss, tilts his head to the side and slicks in tongue in past Jensen's teeth. There's a rhythm to it, mouths moving to the beat of his heart and it makes his palms itch, body restless and wanting. Jensen's not sure whether to be glad when the kisses slow, soft press of open lips, hint of wetness.  
  
They're standing on a hill by the ocean, whipped by wind. Jensen wonders when his life turned into a bodice ripper.  
  
Jared pulls away suddenly, eyes bright and grinning, “A bodice what?”  
  
Jensen rolls his eyes, “Nothing, shut up.” He kisses him again, soft and sweet because he can. Because Jared wants him to.  


::  
  
They wander down the hill together eventually, Jared pushing his bike with one hand. There's no way to walk down hill attractively, Jensen notes idly.  
  
“So why were you really throwing yourself off a cliff before?” Jared asks, “If it wasn't because of me.”  
  
Jensen cuts him a glare, “It wasn't.” He makes fists with the cuffs of Jared's hoodie and knocks them together. The fight with his mom feels like a lifetime ago.  
  
“I told my mom I didn't want to go to college. We got into it a little.”  
  
Jared's face twitches, but he doesn't judge, “I've never thought of Donna as the overbearing parent type.”  
  
Jensen laughs, “She's not. Not even a little. She's just real invested on me getting off this island, apparently.”  
  
“And you're not?”  
  
Jensen shrugs, “I don't know. I just haven't decided yet, is all.”  
  
Jared nudges their shoulders together and smiles, “Hey, me neither.”  
  
“Really?”  
  
“Nah, my dad wants me to go to UT, be near Grandma. My mom doesn't want me outta her sight ever. I don't know, it's stupid.” They're at the bottom of the hill now and Jared hikes his bike up onto its back wheel, walks it tall. “I'm not going to UT. That's pretty much the only decision I've made.”  
  
It's nice to know he's not the only one.  
  
Jared drops him off at home with a firm kiss on the mouth and his number programmed into Jensen's phone. It's the weirdest sort of day.  
  
His mom's asleep on the couch when Jensen lets himself inside. She has a note taped to her own forehead.  _Sorry you're a douchebag._  She looks tired, he thinks, worn thin and older than she is. He peels the note free carefully, writes  _I'm sorry you're a douchebag too x_  on the back of it and tucks it into her empty of coffee mug on the table. He gently lays the throw from the back of the couch across her and goes upstairs without a glass of milk.  
  
There are three college brochures on his bed and a pamphlet about gap years in Europe. Jensen figures that makes this round a tie.

::

Another Monday morning, another crowded boat. At least it's dry, even if the air is getting colder by the day. They're below deck today, out of the wind and huddled by the stairs for warmth.  
  
“Every year I forget how fucking shitty winter is,” Chad says, he's sitting on his hands.  
  
“You could buy a coat,” suggests Milo, not even looking up from this morning's sketch. “I can hear you rattling from here.”  
  
“Get bent. I'm not a pussy.”  
  
Sophia kicks Chad in the shin. It's standard morning stuff. It wouldn't be the boat ride if no one inflicted bodily harm on Chad, it's just the way of the world.  
  
Only, Jensen spent a reasonable portion of yesterday with Jared Padalecki's tongue in his mouth and his mom made him pancakes this morning without even bitching at him once. Jensen's day is going swimmingly, thank you very much.  
  
It's still the weirdest thing that's ever happened to him when Jared comes over and sits down beside him though. They've never sat together on the boat before. Weirder still when Jared leans over to brush their lips together, murmurs, “Hi,” right up against Jensen's mouth.  
  
“Hi,” Jensen says, when Jared pulls back. He feels stunned.  
  
“Nicely done Jay man,” Chad comments in an undertone, “Only half the fucking deck saw that.”  
  
Jared rolls his eyes and kicks out at Chad, getting him in the knee with those long legs, “Fuck you. The deck's gonna have to get used to it.”  
  
Jensen knows he's smiling like a big fucking moron and he doesn't even care. He just got kissed in public by the quarterback. He's walking on air. He's Molly fucking Ringwald.  
  
“Brock Kelly looks like he just got kicked in the balls,” Sophia whispers, hand over her mouth.   
  
Jensen wants to look over, he wants to smirk. Brock Kelly is the worst kind of dick, totally fucking stupid and too pretty for his own good. He's harmless, Jensen knows, but still to be avoided. Jensen's tongue is quicker than his brain sometimes and it's safer to stay away from someone like Brock than to risk his ass for a good put down. Jensen's never been very good at keeping his mouth shut.  
  
“Brock's cool,” Jared says, “Under the illusion that Jensen and I hold hands quietly and no more I think. But he doesn't care what I do.”  
  
Jared's so earnest with it. Like he thinks they'd all really like Brock if they just hung out. Jensen wishes it wasn't so cute.  
  
“Brock knows?” Jensen asks, feeling sort of scandalized that Brock Kelly has been informed about his personal life.  
  
Jared smiles indulgently, it's a face Jensen's getting used to, “I'm not some closet case asshole y'know?”  
  
“I know that.” Or, he does now. Jared keeps on surprising him. “But you're on the football team.”  
  
Jared full out laughs, slinging an arm around Jensen's shoulder and relaxing in his seat. “You watch too much TV. My friends aren't dicks and I'm big enough to handle anyone who is.”  
  
It's like an out of body experience, settling into Jared's side. They're cuddling on the way to school and Jensen doesn't even feel disgusted with himself. It's actually sort of stupidly nice, Jared is soft and warm and big enough for both of them.  
  
Jensen puts his earphones in and lets his cheek rest against Jared's shoulder a little, watches the muscles in his jaw move as he talks with Chad. It's easy enough to forget the rest of the world exists like this and just float away.

::  
  
Jensen has bio second period, which means a long walk across the quad and up the hill. You basically have to leave school grounds to get anywhere near the science block, it's sort of stupid.  
  
“How's it hanging Ackles?” Brock Kelly appears out of nowhere, arm slung heavy across Jensen's shoulders. He smells like Chad, which Jensen privately does not consider to be a good thing.  
  
“Excuse me?” he doesn't shrug Brock off because it's not worth it, but Jensen's pretty sure they haven't actually spoken since fifth grade.  
  
Brock makes a sweeping sort of gesture with the hand not currently fisted in Jensen's sleeve and grins, “Thought we should probably get to know each other if you're going to be banging my boy.”  
  
There are so many things wrong with that sentence.   
  
Jensen nods, looking away. “Right.”  
  
Brock stops suddenly, pulling Jensen to stand with him. He's got his backpack slung crossways over his body, one strap hanging down. Jared wears his the same way and Jensen finds himself wondering, for a ridiculous moment, if all the popular boys had gotten together one day to discuss how they should wear their bags. He has to smother a chuckle.  
  
“So you're friends with that Danneel chick right? You think you could hook me up?”  
  
Brock's sort of startlingly good looking up close and it gives Jensen pause. This is not how Jensen's life works. “No seriously, what the fuck? We don't talk.” Most of Jensen's reputation for being a prickly asshole is built on his inability to keep his fucking mouth shut when people start acting weird. It's not something he's thought too much about trying to change.  
  
Brock rolls his eyes and doesn't look offended, “Dude. You're hooking up with my quarterback. We talk now.”  
  
“Seriously?”  
  
“No. I'm pretty sure the rest of the team is supposed to kick the living shit out of you for touching our boy.”  
  
Jensen nods, looking past Brock to the football field. It's empty. There don't appear to be any other meatheads popping out of the woodwork now Brock has him alone. Maybe Jared's right and he does watch too many movies.  
  
“I don't get it,” he says.  
  
Brock takes Jensen by the shoulders, makes him stand up straight and looks him in the eye. “I've known about Jay for a long time man, I don't give a fuck where he sticks it. So it'll make my life a lot easier if you stop being such a little bitch about it and hook me up with Harris. At least that way, we'll all be getting some.”  
  
It takes Jensen a while to close his mouth, he's not going to lie. “Do you know Chad?” he asks, “You'd like Chad.”

::  
  
Lunch with Sophia is their thing. They've had the same lunch period since freshman year and Jensen actually has no clue who he'd eat with if she wasn't around. Possibly the football team the way his life is vomiting weirdness all over the place at the moment.  
  
They eat in the cafeteria because it's really too cold to be outside now. Jensen hates the dining hall at school, it's too big and too loud and full of clichés. Not, like, assigned table wise. There isn't an area for popular kids or a table you can't ever sit at. His life isn't that fucked up thank God. But Jensen likes to keep to himself at lunch in a way the dining hall doesn't allow for.  
  
They end up three tables over from the cheerleaders and right under the faulty air con vent. Sophia keeps her coat on and lets Jensen borrow her scarf.  
  
Danneel's sitting with them today because it's easier to let her than to explain that he usually prefers the alone time with Sophia. It's possible Jensen's a little stuck in his ways.  
  
“So what should I know about Brock Kelly?” Danneel asks because, Jensen is ashamed to admit, he's name dropped the guy as much as possible since Danneel sat down.  
  
Sophia snorts, “He's a dick.”  
  
“He's hot,” Danneel shrugs like it makes up for a lot of things. Jensen figures it usually does.  
  
Sophia nods, “He is. But he's also kind of a dick.”  
  
Jensen leans in closer to Danneel, elbows on the table. “Sophia dated Brock when we were, like, nine or something,” he tells her.  
  
Sophia purses her lips, chapped and cherry red, glitter smeared at the edges. “Jack has a boyfriend now,” she announces, “Let's talk about that.”  
  
It's sort of hilarious how quickly Danneel jumps on it, grin wide like she's totally happy for him. Jensen isn't sure if he and Danneel even count as friends yet, it's odd.  
  
“Who? Is he hot?”  
  
Jensen rolls his eyes, “Is that all you care about?”  
  
Danneel's eyes cut to Sophia, “Is he not hot?”  
  
“He's plenty hot,” Jensen says, because they should at least be clear on that, “But he's not my boyfriend.”  
  
“So what is he?” Danneel asks, leaning across the table. Sophia leans in too, the girls bumping shoulders and grinning.  
  
“Yeah Jack, what is Jared to you? How do you define your relationship?”  
  
He can feel himself blushing like a fucking tool.   
  
“Jared Padalecki?” Danneel gasps, delighted. “So hot.”  
  
“Right?” Sophia nods her head and the girls bump fists.  
  
“Fucking shut up. You're both bigger dicks than Brock Kelly.” Jensen spits, folding his arms and huffing. He's not supposed to get picked on at lunch, a lot of effort has gone into to ensuring this.  
  
Sophia laughs a little. “Fuck you asshole. We're happy for you.”  
  
Jensen sighs. “He's not my boyfriend,” he says, “We're just. I don't know. We made out.”  
  
“Jared came back from summer break all buffed up and trying to be Jack's best friend, he gave Jack a handjob a couple weeks ago and freaked him out. Now they snuggle on the boat,” Sophia tells Danneel in an undertone.  
  
Jensen ignores them, “I figured he wouldn't want it getting out.”  
  
“But he does?” Danneel looks fucking  _thrilled_  by the turn of events.  
  
He shrugs a little, not really sure how to talk about Jared when he can barely talk to him. “Apparently.”  
  
“That is so cute. How are you so cute Jensen? It's ridiculous.”  
  
Jensen takes a deep breath, pushes down the sick, bubbly feeling he gets whenever he thinks about Jared at the moment. It's possible the strange off kilter feeling he's had all day is just that he's happy. Huh.

::  
  
There's a box under Jensen's mom's bed. Nothing fancy, just an old shoebox with beaten up corners. It's full of pictures of his dad, all the ones that used to be on the walls, stacked neatly by size and well thumbed.  
  
After it happened, back when Jensen still spent every moment he could with his head in a book and his hands in fists, like it would go away if he didn't think about it anymore, Mac pulled out every photo album in the house and took them to pieces. She'd looked at him when he came downstairs and asked for his help.  
  
Jensen remembers where every photo in the box used to live. He helped his little sister peel them from behind plastic backing and spread them across the kitchen table. Mom freaked when she got home, yelled at them for making a mess and gathered all the pictures up like treasure.  
  
Jensen doesn't know why she put them in a box instead of back where they belonged. It seems strange to hide them under the bed. The only picture they have out is the family portrait in the hallway that's been there so long Jensen looks right through it. But sometimes, when he starts to forget, he'll sit on the floor of his mom's bedroom on the far side of the bed where the carpet is soft and thick from lack of use, because there's only one person climbing out of their own side of the bed each day, and tug the box out.  
  
He thinks maybe it's better to leaf through memories that way. A few stolen moments every few months. It doesn't make him sad quite the same way it used to.

::  
  
Since Mac started tap classes on the mainland Jensen's been spending his Thursday nights working at his mom's coffee shop. It's not exactly thrilling because no one even comes near the place after six on a week night, but it gives him some time to get his homework done. Plus he gets paid for it because it's a regular thing now, which is a first.  
  
He's just thinking about closing up when Jared jogs right through the door, burst of cold air and chime of bell.  
  
He pulls up short when he spots Jensen upending chairs onto tables.  
  
“Hey. Donna told me to swing by for my pay check,” he says. Jensen doesn't know if his cheeks are flushed from cold or what.  
  
It probably shouldn't still feel awkward to be around Jared, but Jensen's an awkward sort of guy. He picks up another chair, “It'll be under the counter, Sarah already picked hers up.”  
  
Sarah's the only full-time employee other than Jensen's mom. She listens to classical music on tape and ties her hair up in ribbons. Jensen finds her sort of fascinating.  
  
“Y'know, if I'm going to be your boyfriend, you should probably get used to me being around.” Jared's behind the counter now with a smug little smile on his face.  
  
“My what?” Jensen hasn't even dared think about that. It's bad enough that all his friends have been saying it for days.  
  
Jared comes around the counter at him, smile growing the closer he gets. “Dude,” he says, tugging Jensen closer by the front of his shirt, “We're friends right?”  
  
Jensen shrugs. They are and they aren't. Jensen knows he'd probably enjoy Jared's company a whole lot if his stomach didn't knot up at just the thought of him. “I guess.”  
  
Jared laughs, “You know, it really is a good thing you're so cute,” he says and then he's kissing Jensen, soft sugary little sucks to his bottom lip.  
  
It's much easier to do this than to think about it. Jensen slides his hands up into Jared's ridiculous hair and kisses back. His breath gets caught up in his throat when Jared's arms come up around him, one hand on his waist and the other sliding up to hold the back of his neck. They're pressed together so tight Jensen can feel it when Jared gets hard. Firm pressure against his belly and it shoots through him like fireflies, fluttery and hot.  
  
It doesn't even register that they've been moving until Jensen's on his back on the sagging leather sofa in the corner, Jared's knees planted between his thighs. He thinks about pulling away, slowing things down, but he can't. Jared's firm and heavy all over, delicious weight for Jensen to rub up against. He can't stop his kissing him, gasping and panting between clashes of lips and teeth and this is it. This is what he's been waiting for.  
  
Jared's lips are swollen when he pulls away, braces over Jensen on his forearms.  
  
“We should stop,” he says.  
  
They're still crushed together and Jensen wants to roll his hips, rub his dick right up against Jared's until he bursts. “Why?” he whispers, eyes on Jared's face. The longer Jared hangs there the easier it is to look at him. Jensen's hands are up by his head, hanging on to Jared's elbows and he doesn't move them.  
  
“I'm not fucking you at work Jensen, you wouldn't respect yourself in the morning.”  
  
He laughs at Jared's serious face until it cracks, crumbles around Jared's wide grin. Jared leans down to nudge his nose against Jensen, so oddly intimate Jensen feels it all over. “I like you,” Jared says, gentle and affectionate and everything.  
  
“So I've heard,” Jensen lets himself smile back, doesn't school his expression. He feels giddy, happy in ways he can't even think about and he wants Jared to know. “So you're my boyfriend.” It's not a question.  
  
Jared shakes his head a little, but it's not a no.  
  
They stay wrapped up on the couch until it's time to flip the  _Closed_  sign. It's not familiar yet, being with Jared like this, but Jensen wants it to be.

::  
  
Dating Jared is sort of ridiculously easy, possibly because they don't actually go on any dates. They sit together on the boat, nod to each other in the halls and make out whenever they manage to get some time alone. It's not perfect, Jensen's pretty sure Jared's parents still don't know, although he's not doing a lot to hide it.  
  
It's good though, Jared still makes him fluttery in all the right places, but the more time they spend together, the more Jensen's shoulders ease. He pretty much wants to spend every possible minute he can wrapped up in Jared, or holding his hand or something equally pathetic. Sometimes he looks at Jared and doesn't even feel terrified.  
  
“So Jared's coming over later. We're going to watch some movies or something.”  
  
Donna glances up from her book and Jensen focuses extra hard on watching the TV. “Or something?”  
  
“Fuck off.”  
  
She laughs a little and turns the page, “You know the rules in this house Jenny: safety first. Make him wear a condom.”  
  
Jensen's not sure if it's more mortifying to hear his mother use the word condom or to hear her so casually assume Jensen would be the one catching.  
  
“You're a terrible role model, I hope you know that.”  
  
Donna shrugs, “Jensen you know you're the best accident I ever had,” she tells him with a shit eating grin. “All the gay sex you're not having aside though, it's about time you invited him over.”  
  
“Is it?'  
  
“Sure, I have veto power on all your boyfriends, I pay for your food.”  
  
Jensen shakes his head and knocks her feet with his leg, “Can you be nice to him please? He looked pretty nervous when I asked him.”  
  
It was sort of amazing actually, watching Jared stumble and stutter for once, elbow clanging against his locker.  
  
Donna hooks her arm through Jensen's, warm and pointy where she leans into him, “You really like him huh?”  
  
Jensen rolls his eyes. Awkward. “He likes me too.” It's something Jared's been having him practice saying and it feels nice to tell someone, even if it is only his mom.  
  
Of course, his mother, for all her supportiveness, is still a giant asshole. She practically punches Jensen in the face climbing over him to get to the door first when Jared arrives.  
  
He looks edible, all mussed hair and flushed cheeks. He's wearing a thick red hoodie, the drawstring too long on one side.  
  
“I'm going to need a written list of your intentions,” is all she manages to get out before Jensen clamps a hand over her mouth, tugging her back against his chest like a hostage so Jared can edge his way through the door.  
  
“Please ignore anything my mother says to you from now on. We're thinking about adjusting her meds, you know how it is.”  
  
Jared looks like he has no idea whether to laugh or cry. It comes out as a weird smile with a frowny forehead, it's pretty impressive.  
  
Donna shoves him away and climbs back on to the couch to pick up her book again. “Don't get anything on the sheets, boys,” she says, smile sunny and Jensen grabs Jared's wrist, tugging him into the kitchen before it gets any worse.  
  
“Sorry about her,” he says, nudging the door to with his hip, “It's her life's mission to embarrass me to death. You want some juice?”  
  
Jared nods, leaning up against the counter while Jensen rummages in the fridge. “It's cool. I think she's pretty cool, I can't remember the last time I heard my mom laugh like that.”  
  
He hands Jared a glass, “She is pretty cool,” Jensen nods, “Just a little out there.”  
  
Jared smiles at him, eyes meeting over the rim of his glass as he takes a sip. It's a long moment, stretching out like taffy and just as sweet.  
  
Jensen shakes himself and turns away, “Movies are upstairs, we need anything else?”  
  
It's feels weird having Jared in his room, like, obviously he'd cleaned up and changed his sheets and stuff, but still. It's like letting Jared see inside him, Jensen's whole world is in this room.  
  
“This is.” Jared's standing just inside the doorway just looking around. Jensen's never thought about what it might look like to someone else, the jumble of posters and ink sketches, pastel paint spatters and books piled high. It's the kind of room that probably makes him look like he's trying too hard, but it's not that at all. Years of pasting cool crap out of magazines to the walls and stealing Milo's unfinished drawings have gone into this. It's suddenly vitally important that Jared likes it.  
  
“It's amazing,” Jared says, pushing the door closed and turning to look at that as well. There's a mosaic glued to the inside of the door, shards of broken mirror twisting across. Sophia made it for him years ago, after the original mirror got thrown against the wall. Jensen was an angry kid. “Seriously, this is like. Dude my room has blue walls and a Cowboy's poster.”  
  
Jensen shrugs, “I spend a lot of time in here.”  
  
“I think I'm going to as well,” Jared tells him, throwing himself down on the bed and bouncing. “Come on then, put the movie in and come kiss me while we don't watch it.”  
  
He sinks down beside Jared on the bed, lets Jared tuck him in close with an arm around Jensen's shoulders. Jared kisses him softly, slow and warm until Jensen feels like his face is on fire, fingers tangled up in Jared's hoodie and pulling.  
  
He lets Jared roll them until he's on his back, Jared's a heavy weight across his chest and it feels natural to spread for him, part his thighs for Jared's hips. Jared's hard, pressed up against him and Jensen gasps as the kiss changes, harder and faster, Jared's tongue in his mouth and then sucking down his neck. He can't catch his breath. Jensen tilts his head, lets Jared bite kisses to his collarbone, he doesn't say anything when Jared tugs the neck of his shirt aside to get at more skin. He wants to take it off, pull Jared's off too and press their skin together. Jared's so warm everywhere they touch and Jensen can't get enough.  
  
Jared pulls back to look at him, “Jensen, god.” He rocks their hips together deliberately, lets Jensen feel how hard he is. “You're so hot, I can't.” And then they're kissing again before Jensen can even agree. He could drown in Jared quite happily.  
  
Jensen's hands slip down Jared's belly without instruction, he needs to get his hands on Jared right now, finger tips aching for more of that soft skin. Jared pushes up onto his hands and knees above Jensen, holding himself there so Jensen can push his shirt up. Jensen spreads his palms wide across Jared's belly, tight muscles clenching under his fingers. Jared's so  _firm_  all over, golden skin stretched tight and burning hot.  
  
His fingers fumble a little with Jared's belt buckle and he can't believe he's doing this, Jared's going to let him do this. Jared's jeans come down easy after that, Jensen shoves them off his hips because he wants to see. Jared's fucking perfect and he hisses, mouth hanging open as he pants when Jensen wraps his fingers around him. Jared's cock mostly looks like Jensen's own, probably bigger, but jerking Jared off feels nothing like doing it to himself.  
  
Jensen looks down, watches Jared's cock slipping through his fist, knuckles brushing Jared's stomach, “Is this okay?” he asks.  
  
Jared's eyes flicker open and Jensen is gratified by the length of time it takes him to focus. Jared makes a choked noise when Jensen twists his wrist and his eyes screw back up again, “Don't stop. Please Jen, just.”  
  
Jensen has no intention of stopping, possibly ever. He keeps going, pulling until his arm starts to ache and Jared starts to lose it. He's puffing little moans out through his teeth and leans down to press his forehead to Jensen's, eyelashes fluttering together. “Jensen,” he says.  
  
Jensen nods, tips up to press their lips together. “Do it, come on, I want you to.”  
  
That seems to do it for Jared. His hips work into Jensen's hand, arms shaking and then there're several harsh gasps and slick, hot, wet stripes across Jensen's knuckles and belly where his shirt has ridden up. Jared's mouth is open against Jensen's and he kisses him again as Jared comes down, just for good measure.  
  
Jared rolls off Jensen with a satisfied hum, landing with a thump on his back. His jeans are still shoved down around his thighs, cock softening and sticky and Jensen thinks fuck it and shoves the hand still wet with Jared's come down his own pants.  
  
He gets about thirty seconds of blistering pleasure before Jared's hand slides over his, fingers linking together so they're both jacking Jensen off. Jared's mouth fastens on to Jensen's neck again and he wishes he could draw it out, he really does, but then Jared bites down on the tendon where his shoulder starts and he's just done, arching off the bed and soaking his own belly.  
  
They pant in silence for a while, getting their breath back. The room is ringing with silence, everything still.  
  
“You're not gonna bolt this time are you?” Jared asks, smiling.  
  
Jensen shakes his head, “Unlikely, I can't feel my legs.”  
  
Jared laughs, getting up to grab the towel on top of Jensen's hamper to clean them off. Jensen tugs his jeans back up, a little sticky, but dry and too blissed out to care.  
  
Jared drops down on top of him with an unf and rolls them onto their sides all tangled together, it's sort of ridiculously nice.  
  
“So that happened,” Jared says, smoothing Jensen's hair back from his forehead.  
  
Jensen lets himself smile a little, “It did.”  
  
Jared nods a little, pillowing his head on his own bicep, “It didn't suck.”  
  
Jensen quirks an eyebrow and Jared laughs, “You know what I mean. Shut up.”  
  
They cuddle up for a while, quiet and content. Jensen lets his hand slip up the back of Jared's shirt, fingers soft on the small of Jared's back. He's never been like this with anyone before, didn't think there was a hope in hell. It's like they're actually doing this, being together. Jared probably has no clue what he's getting himself into.  
  
“Are you seriously sure about this?” Jensen asks suddenly, popping up onto his elbow.  
  
Jared frowns at him, hand still warm and heavy on Jensen's hip, “What?”  
  
Jensen rolls his eyes, mostly at himself, “I'm kind of like an awkward, asshole, mess,” he says. “You could probably do better.”  
  
Jared kicks him in the shin, “Shut the fuck up. What is with you? Do orgasms make you insecure or something?” He's not angry, frustrated if anything, but Jensen gets that from people a lot.  
  
“I'm serious. I,” he looks down at his sheets, fingers twisting, “Look, I like you a lot. You know that. I'm just saying if you don't want this to be some serious thing we should probably.” Jensen stops because he has no idea what they should probably do. And now he wishes he'd just kept his mouth shut because what if Jared agrees with him? What if he's completely screwing himself over?  
  
Jared uses the hand on Jensen's hip to shake him, “Jensen,” he says, waiting until Jensen looks up at him, “It's already serious, don't be a dick.”  
  
“I'm not sure that's possible,” Jensen says because, although honesty is probably not the best policy here, his mouth hates him.  
  
Jared pulls him down, kisses him until all the voices in Jensen's head get quiet. “You're _my_  awkward, asshole, mess okay? Get over it.”  
  
“Sorry,” Jensen mumbles into Jared's shoulder, free arm coming up to hug Jared back. “Just trying to give you an out.”  
  
“I don't want an out. I want you.”  
  
Jensen nods, heart like butter in his chest, and he has to be brave now.   
  
“Me too.”  
  
His mom's asleep on the couch when he sees Jared out a few hours later, so they whisper their goodbyes just outside the front door.  
  
“I'll call you tomorrow,” Jared says, pulling him into another one of those full body hugs that Jensen is already getting so used to.  
  
Jensen heads back upstairs to bed on fucking air. He's floating. His lips feel swollen and hot and he can still smell Jared's come when he takes off his shirt. He sleeps like the dead.

::  
  
Jensen is a hell of a fuck up. Always has been. Takes too many drugs, drinks too damn much and doesn't give a shit about anyone or anything. That's what people see when they look at him, anyway. It's maybe only half true. It would seem that being Jared's boyfriend affords him some slack though. Suddenly a whole bunch of the kids who used to avoid him like the plague are queuing up to be his new friend. Mostly girls in tight sweaters who think he and Jared are just  _so cute._    
  
“So what are you doing Saturday Jensen?” Lauren asks and all the girls with her lean in to hear his answer. Jensen knows Lauren in a vague sort of way, meaning that they've shared at least two classes a year since they were kids but Lauren has never actively spoken to him before. Jensen knows that Lauren was pretty quiet until she grew boobs in eighth grade and the boys started to notice. Jensen thinks she's a fucking asshole, but even he knows better than to say so.  
  
They've got him pinned to his locker, terrified to move in case one of them reaches out to touch his arm again.  
  
A little blonde thing in the corner smacks Lauren's arm, “Duh, something totally cool with Jared of course.”  
  
Jensen's saddened to realize that real people actually talk like that.  
  
“Um, I think Jared's going to Brock's party,” Jensen says, “I'll probably just be hanging out with my friends.”  
  
There's suddenly a tiny little girl hovering in front of him, even smaller than the blonde one. Jensen knows her name is Sandy because Jared used to date her and he talks about her sometimes. “You should come to the party,” she says, smiling sweetly, “Bring your friends. Brock put us in charge of organizing it anyway.”  
  
Jensen bites his lip. He has nothing against going to the party in theory, other than that it will probably suck, and Jared hasn't mentioned it.  
  
“Maybe,” he says, “I'll talk to Sophia.”  
  
“You'll talk to Sophia about what?” Sophia asks, elbowing her way through Jensen's new harem. Danneel's right behind her, like always these days, and they've both got paint on their clothes.  
  
“Brock's party's on Saturday,” Sandy says, tucking some perfect hair behind her ear, “We're just inviting you guys.”  
  
Danneel waves a hand, “I'm already going.”  
  
Jensen doesn't think he's mistaking the way Lauren's nose wrinkles at that and suddenly feels oddly protective of Danneel. She's wormed her way into his little group of friends over the last few weeks and Jensen doesn't like people being mean to her. It's not a feeling he's used to having about anyone other than Sophia and Milo. Chad can take care of himself.  
  
“You are?” Sandy doesn't seem to notice the hostility, smile still wide and welcoming. Jensen can kind of see what Jared likes about her.  
  
Sophia nudges Jensen over so she can get in his locker, rooting through his stuff, “She's Brock's date,” she says, barely glancing over her shoulder.  
  
“You are?” Jensen asks, enjoying the way Danneel flushes. “Oh that is so cute Danny, we should totally double.”  
  
Danneel smacks him in the forehead with the back of her hand, “Get bent, it's not a date. He just asked me to go with him.”  
  
“To his own party,” Sandy points out, apparently forgetting the gaggle of friends behind her and joining in their conversation, “Sounds like a date.”  
  
“That's what I said,” Sophia tells her.  
  
“Great,” Lauren trills, “So we're all going to the party. Can't wait. Let's go Sands.”  
  
Sandy's smile dims a little as she runs to catch up with them.  
  
Sophia slams Jensen's locker closed, “What the fuck is her problem?”  
  
“Lauren?” Jensen asks, “Maybe she likes Brock.”  
  
“Maybe she's an asshole. We're ditching out fifth period, you coming to Chad's?”  
  
Jensen shakes his head, “Can't, said I'd meet Jared after school.” He doesn't even go red as he says it. He's really coming along.  
  
Sophia nods, leaning up to give him a kiss. Her lips taste like mint. “We'll still be there, bring him.”  
  
Jensen watches his girls leave and wonders how this turned into his life. Brock's party? _Seriously._

::  
  
Jared greets Jensen with a one armed hug and soft kiss after class. They're in the middle of the hallway with people streaming around them and it happens so quickly it doesn't even occur to Jensen to be shocked by the public display anymore.  
  
It's even less of a surprise when Jared links their fingers together as they stroll down the hill to the dock.  
  
“So Brock talks to me now,” Jensen says as they find seats on the boat, “Lauren and Sandy too. It's sort of weird.”  
  
Jared grins, hair whipping in the wind, “My friends being nice to my boyfriend,” he says, “Totally shocking.”  
  
Jensen elbows him, “You know what I mean. It's new.”  
  
“You might be surprised to know this Jensen, but my friends aren't actually all assholes. That's why I'm friends with them.”  
  
Jensen's quiet for a moment. Jared's probably the nicest person he knows, everyone is friends with him. “I liked Sandy.”  
  
Jared nods, “Sandy's a sweetheart. She gave me a hug when I broke up with her because I liked cock.”  
  
Jensen blinks, “I didn't know that's why you broke up with her.”  
  
Jared shrugs a little, shifting in his seat until they're sitting a little closer together. He leans in, chin on Jensen's shoulder and talks right into his ear. “It's possible that I've liked you for a little while longer than you've like me,” he says quietly.  
  
Jensen's filled with a rush of something he can't name. “You did not break up with Sandy because of me.” He's sure of that.  
  
“No. I broke up with her because my head was all over the place. But a lot of that was because I thought you were stupidly hot.” He bites at Jensen's jaw, “I still think you're stupidly hot.”  
  
Jensen looks down at his knees to hide his smile. Jared laughs and pulls back with a final kiss to Jensen's cheek. Jensen knows there's a lot to this that Jared hasn't told him yet. For one, figuring out that you like guys while you're dating the hottest girl in school probably isn't as cut and dried as Jared makes it sound.  
  
“Is that why you plowed your truck through a wall?” he asks, nudging their knees together. Jensen's one of only a few people who know the real reason why Jared got sent away to his Grandparent's ranch in Texas for the summer.  
  
Jared clams up pretty quickly, face shutting down and eyes flickering across to look out over the dark water, rushing past in waves. “No,” he says quietly, almost impossible to hear over the sounds of the engine.  
  
Awkward. Jensen wants to smack himself in the face. “Sorry. You don't have to tell me, just forget I said anything.”  
  
Jared sighs, rubs his palms on his thighs and he still won't look at Jensen. “It's not that,” he face looks pained, squinting out to sea, “It was just a pretty fucked up couple of months. I'm trying to forget about it.”  
  
“Sorry,” Jensen says again. It's funny really, his friends wouldn't believe their ears hearing him apologise so much, but the idea that he might have upset Jared, it makes him feel sick. Jared's supposed to smile and laugh, make everything brighter. Jensen's the dark cloud here.  
  
Jared shakes it off, “Don't worry about it. You should be able to ask me whatever you like, I just. I don't really know what to say. Does that make sense?” Dark eyes meet Jensen's and Jared looks more unsure than he's ever seen him.  
  
Jensen nods. There are a lot of things Jensen doesn't know how to talk about. His mother would vouch for that. He tips Jared face down for a kiss, pulls back before it gets too serious. The smile he gets in return is like the sun rising.  
  
Jared turns to face him, swinging a leg up onto the bench. “Did you just kiss me first?” he asks, teasing, “Did Jensen Ackles really just kiss me because he wanted to? I think I need to lie down.”  
  
“Fuck you,” Jensen rolls his eyes, settles back in his seat with a huff.  
  
“It's almost as though you like me or something.”  
  
Jensen feels his smile turn rueful, “Almost,” he agrees.   
  
He can feel himself slipping deeper into this thing and he doesn't even care. It's like flying.

::  
  
“Homo alert,” Chad calls out as they clomp down the basement stairs. Jared smacks him in the back of the head as he drops down onto the spare beanbag in the corner and Jensen does the same. He lets Jared grab his hand and pull him down into his lap, kicks his shoes off to curl up.  
  
“Jealousy is not a good look on you man,” Jared says, nuzzling the side of Jensen's face obnoxiously.  
  
It's dark in the basement, TV on low and Christmas lights strung in the corner courtesy of Milo. The remains of at least three joints float brown and bloated in an inch of Jack on the floor.  
  
Sophia crawls over from her seat to kiss Jensen hello, all black-eyed and smokey haired.  
  
“You're not supposed to kiss my boyfriend when I'm hugging on him,” Jared tells her, tugging at the ends of her hair and Sophia rolls her eyes, grin dopey as she leans over to press her lips to Jared's as well.  
  
Jared throws his head back to laugh, “You guys are fucking insane,” he says, “I actually thought the shit people say about you was a joke.”  
  
Milo rolls out from behind the couch, drink in hand. “Jack's here,” he announces.   
  
Danneel pets his hair sympathetically, “Go back to sleep honey.”  
  
“What do people say about us?” Chad asks, handing over his papers so Jensen can roll. It's pretty likely that Chad's too far gone to do it himself.  
  
Jensen shrugs Jared's arm from around his shoulders to grab a magazine to balance everything on. Jared wraps it around his middle instead.  
  
“I think the general consensus is that you're all fucking,” Jared says, fingers slipping under Jensen's shirt.  
  
Sophia smacks at him, rolling over on to her belly, face near Jensen's knee. “That was one time! And Chad wouldn't even get his dick out.”  
  
Chad's hands drop to his belt buckle, eyes lighting up at the challenge, “Bullshit, I'll get it out right now.” Danneel throws Jensen's shoe at him, getting him in the chest.  
  
“You want to keep that dick, it stays in your pants,” she tells him.  
  
Jensen lights up, inhaling deeply and sinking back against Jared's chest. “We're not fucking,“ he tells him. “Well I'm not anyway.”  
  
“Good,” Jared growls, pulling him in tighter and leaning over to take a toke right from between Jensen's fingers, “I don't share.”  
  
It gives Jensen a thrill, the possessiveness in Jared voice. He's never belonged to someone before. He thinks Jared knows that the feeling's mutual.  
  
Truth is, most of the things people say about the group of them are bullshit. Sure, they spend a lot of time smoking up and they dress funny and they don't play sports, but they're not animals. So things get a little rowdy down here sometimes, big deal.  
  
It takes a while for the weed to hit him, but it isn't long before he's melted in a puddle across Jared's lap. He watches with vague interest when Sophia climbs over Danneel to cuddle up with Milo, watches them kiss a little before Milo passes out again and Sophia starts giggling with Danny instead.  
  
“I thought Sophia was with Chad,” Jared murmurs, voice like honey in Jensen's ear, it spreads through him, makes his bones feel heavy. Chad's watching the TV, hand hanging over the side of his chair, knuckles absently tapping out a tune on the back of Milo's head.  
  
“It's complicated,” Jensen says because he has no idea how to explain that situation.  
  
“Are they, like, together? The three of them?”  
  
Jensen chuckles, shifting around to straddle Jared's lap, wrapping his arms around those big shoulders, “I don't think Chad and Milo swing that way,” he says, “Who knows.” If they do, neither of them has ever mentioned it to Jensen.  
  
“But you've never?” Jared's eyes flicker behind Jensen's head and he just knows Jared's looking at Soph.  
  
He shakes his head, kissing up the side of Jared's face because it's there and Jared's warm and he can, the urge to rub himself all over Jared's chest is unusually strong. “I don't do girls. I prefer men, big, strong men,” he says, smoothing his hands down Jared's arms.  
  
Jared smirks, eyes sparkling in the dim light, “Is that so?” he asks, hands sliding around Jensen's back to pull him in closer, chests pressed together, that wide mouth so temptingly close, “Why's that?”  
  
Jensen rocks in tighter, feels his cock fill at the roughness in Jared's voice. “I like your hands and your arms and your smell,” Jensen says, he doesn't care what it sounds like, it's true and he  _wants_. He mouths down Jared's neck, sucking marks into golden skin, turning himself on even more with the wet noises his mouth makes, “And you taste  _so good_.” He fastens his mouth to the sensitive spot under Jared's ear, laves it with his tongue.  
  
A strong hand cups the back of Jensen's head, dragging him up so Jared can fit their mouths together. They kiss for a while, messy and wet, tongues moving in soft rhythm. Jared's dick is a hard line against his ass and Jensen can't help moving into it. His whole body feels heavy and slow and everywhere Jared touches him lights up, sparkles like fireworks. Jared's got one hand on Jensen's hip, pulling him in with rough jerks and the other up the back of his shirt, all the way up to cup the back of Jensen's neck. He can't imagine ever wanting to be anywhere other than here, everything slow and thick and warm.  
  
He pulls back to pant harshly in Jared's ear, “I want to suck you off,” he says because it's true. He can't remember ever wanting anything more.  
  
Jared's hips jerk under him and his answering laugh sounds pained, “What? Who are you and what have you done with Jensen?”  
  
Jensen smiles, feeling slutty and sexy, spreads his thighs wider across Jared's lap, “I'm stoned. Take advantage.”  
  
Jared shakes his head, kissing at Jensen's smirk, “Not here.”  
  
“They don't care,” Jensen murmurs, letting Jared distract him with tiny kisses.  
  
“I do,” Chad calls out from across the room. When Jensen glances over his shoulder he sees Chad's got Danneel in his lap now, just cuddled up. Sophia's back on the floor with Milo and Jensen's fairly sure his hand is down her pants. Jared's probably right about them being fucked up.  
  
“Fine,” he says, kissing Jared again, “So take me home.”  
  
Jared glances at his watch and groans, head falling to butt against Jensen's shoulder. “I wish I could, but I need to get home. My mama's cooking tonight.”  
  
Jensen tries not to look as disappointed as he feels when Jared slides out from under him. He rolls on to his back and doesn't even try to hide the obvious erection tenting his favourite jeans. If Jared's eyes go dark at the sight, well, good.   
  
Jared groans again, leaning down for a kiss which Jensen gives up willingly, “You are not making this easy on me are you?” He stands up again, bends to grab his bag, “I'll call you tonight okay. You guys are coming to Brock's party on Saturday right?”  
  
“Sure, Sandy invited us.”  
  
Jared rolls his eyes, hooking a thumb in the strap of his bag and kicking at Jensen, “I don't have to invite you jackass, we're a couple. You're invited by default.”  
  
Warmth spreads through Jensen again, “I'll try to remember that.”  
  
“You do that. See you tomorrow Jen.” Jared gives Danneel a kiss on the cheek and slaps Chad's hand as he leaves, giving the couple on the floor a wide birth, “Everyone try to keep their hands off my boyfriend please. This place is like a bath house.”  
  
Danneel smiles over at Jensen when the floor bangs shut, “He is adorable,” she says and Jensen can only grin, Cheshire Cat smile pulling across his face. He sinks back into the beanbag and stretches contentedly. Jared called them a  _couple_. Jared called him  _Jen._  


::

Saturday finds Jensen in nothing but his underwear trying to fix his hair in the bathroom mirror. Sophia's sitting on the closed toilet seat painting her nails when Donna gets home.  
  
She leans up against the door jamb, arms folded, “Are you girls not ready yet?” she asks. Jensen flips her off.  
  
Sophia laughs, “We're meeting the boys at O'Cannon's in an hour. Jensen still hasn't picked an outfit.”  
  
He glances over at her. Sophia's been dressed since she arrived this morning, vintage tea dress and biker boots, Jensen is convinced she's only hanging around to torture him with how much prettier than him she is.  
  
Donna nods, coming in to sit on the side of the tub. “Wear that green shirt, the one with the black thing on it. It makes your eyes pop.” She's definitely making fun of him, but Jensen was planning on wearing that shirt anyway.  
  
“I'm going to,” he says, mussing up his hair some more. He thought having short hair was supposed to make it easier to do. “With my black jeans and those stripper heels you've got in your closet.”  
  
He watches in the mirror as she flips him off right back. “You know I support all of your life decisions, Jensen. It's important to have a stable home life while you work through the difficult transition to becoming a pretty, little princess.”  
  
Sophia snorts so hard she streaks her nail polish across the back of her hand. Knowing her, she probably won't wipe it off.  
  
Giving up on his hair getting any better, Jensen drops his arms, turning to find some clothes and gets a prod in the hip for his trouble.  
  
“What the fuck?”  
  
Donna's eyes are fixed on his waist, “Is that a hickey? Jensen Ackles do you have a hickey?”  
  
He totally does. It's awesome. Jared sucked it there yesterday on his way to giving Jensen the blow job of his life. He shivers just thinking about it, those dark eyes locked on Jensen's as Jared swallowed him down.  
  
He fixes his mother with a glare, so she can't tell how much the memory affects him, “No. I did it myself with the vacuum cleaner. You support my experimentation remember?” He stalks out to get dressed before she can mock him some more, ignoring the giggles that follow him down the hall.  
  
Danneel is in his room, doing her make up in one of the shards of mirror stuck to his door, he nearly smacks her in the face with it when he walks in. “Shit, sorry.”  
  
Danneel shrugs, popping the cap on things and drawing on her face some more. She looks good. “I put your outfit on the bed,” she tells him, not looking up.  
  
Sure enough, his green shirt and black jeans are all laid out ready for him. It's sort of freaky. He finds his dirtiest Chucks and pulls them on, ignoring the sick feeling in his belly. “Do we have time to get drunk before we have to leave?”  
  
“No,” Danneel shakes her head, “I'm supposed to be at this thing with Brock remember? I need all my faculties in working order.”  
  
Probably true. Still, it's one thing to hang out with Jared when it's just them, or just them and Jensen's friends. But most of the school is going to be at this party, it's probably going to be awkward.   
  
“Sophia's got a joint in her bra though. I'm sure she'll share if it gets really bad.”  
  
Jensen's not sure getting stoned at the party will help, as much as Jared seemed to enjoy the ridiculous slutty version of Jensen it brought out. Might be better to try and keep his pants on tonight.

::  
  
“Oh Jesus Christ.”  
  
To be fair, Jensen mostly shares Milo's sentiment. He's heard plenty about Brock Kelly's parties, never before having the connections or the inclination to go to one. It's basically exactly what he was expecting. There's an actual keg, to start with, and plastic cups. And a DJ.   
  
Danneel hands their jackets to some freshman at the door and the guy scuttles off up the stairs with them. “No one told me Brock was loaded,” she says quietly, “Interesting.”  
  
They walk through the mess of people gathered in the hallway, heading for the kitchen, that seems to be where most of the cups are coming from and Jensen is going to need several of those. They pass an open doorway, full of boys gathered around a giant flat screen, making a lot of noise.  
  
“So this is what we've been missing out on?” Milo asks. He's holding hands with Sophia, Jensen's pretty sure they're wearing the same nail polish.  
  
“Looks like,” Jensen speaks under his breath, “Sophy, I might need that smoke after all.”  
  
The kitchen is maybe worse than the rest of the place. Unbearably loud, packed full of sweaty bodies and sparkly tops. There's enough hairspray in the room that Jensen wouldn't dare flick open a lighter, the whole place would go up. He can't see Jared anywhere either.  
  
Chad disappears into the throng of people in the corner and reappears with a stack of cups and a bottle of Jose. Chad is a survivor.  
  
“This place is awesome,” Chad laughs, “Did you see the size of that TV?”  
  
They do enough shots that Jensen's feeling a buzz, nerve endings soothed slightly, the noise and the crowds make him feel less homicidal now.  
  
And then Brock arrives, to much fanfare. The whole room seems to cheer when he walks in and he waves and slaps hands with everyone in sight. He greets Danneel with a very gentlemanly kiss on the cheek and slaps hands with Chad. It shouldn't surprise Jensen that they actually do know each other.  
  
“Didn't think you guys would make it,” he says, “I see you've found the liquor table, nicely done. House rules, don't fuck anyone who isn't me and try not to get the cops called on us.”  
  
Sophia rolls her eyes and does another shot, probably so she doesn't have to look at Brock anymore.  
  
“Soph try to control yourself?” Brock asks with a leer. His face is all angles in the bright overhead light and his dimples look bottomless. It's terrifying. “Ackles, your boy's out back with Sandy,” he says and slides an arm around Danneel's shoulders, “Can I borrow you?”  
  
Danneel doesn't particularly look like she needs a save when Brock draws her away into the crowd so Jensen lets it go.  
  
“He is such an asshole,” Sophia huffs, throwing back another drink and shuffling toward the back door with the rest of them, “She could do so much better.”  
  
“I like him,” Chad shrugs, “He's charming.”  
  
Milo snorts, “Is that what that was?”  
  
It's cold outside, but the deck is littered with portable heaters, the backyard sprawls out for a long way over the edge of the railing, down hill and into the dark. There's a pool down below, lit from underwater and steaming.  
  
“My parents have a fish pond and shed,” Milo comments.  
  
Chad bumps their shoulders together, “But it's a totally cool shed.”  
  
Jared is over in the corner, by a particularly cozy looking heater with Sandy and a few people Jensen recognizes from school. Marc and Jordan are definitely on the football team and the girls are part of Jensen's new fan club.  
  
Jared's face brightens when he sees Jensen and he ducks around Sandy to kiss him hello. Jared tastes like salt and beer, which is not as unpleasant as it probably should be.  
  
The party turns out to not be so bad. Marc and Jordan are stupidly funny and apparently already buddies with Chad (Jensen is starting to suspect Chad is secretly on the football team or something) and the girls are all cautiously friendly to Sophia. Sandy is like a breath of fresh air though, so happy and friendly that even Sophia gives in and winds up curled on a lounge chair talking with her and Milo.  
  
Jared is as outgoing as ever with his friends around and it doesn't seem to bother him at all that sometimes people look at them funny when they kiss, or when Jared leans down to bite at Jensen's neck.  
  
By the time the party starts to wind down, Jensen is more than a little drunk and totally content. All his friends are happy, everyone's having a good time and Jared has had his hand in Jensen's back pocket for the last half hour. Good times.  
  
Jensen passes Danneel on his way inside to pee, her hair has started to curl and there's a blue stain on her shirt. Jensen catches her elbow before he thinks to stop himself.  
  
“Hey you okay?”  
  
Danneel looks at him, eyes glassy from the alcohol and who knows what else. Her mascara is smeared.  
  
“Danny you okay?” he has to duck down to meet her eyes.  
  
“M' fine, where is everyone?”  
  
“Did someone give you something?” he asks because she is nowhere near as steady on her feet as she needs to be and it's been hours since Brock lead her off. Jensen should have known better.  
  
Danneel wavers in the air for a second and Jensen grabs on to her hips, steadying. He pulls her in, tucking her under his arm and leading her inside. The place has emptied out some so negotiating the house to find a free bathroom isn't too hard.  
  
He settles Danneel against the wall while he pees and washes up. “Do you need to throw up?” he asks, tipping a toothbrush out of a glass so he can fill it with water for her.  
  
She shakes her head, looking sleepy and young and totally lost. “I don't feel-” she breaks off, jerking over to heave into the sink. Jensen rubs a hand over his face, trying to sober himself up and goes to hold her hair back. When she's finished, she lets him pull her down to sit on the mat by the tub. Jensen hands her the water, warning her to sip slowly and smooths her hair back from her sweaty face.  
  
“Sorry,” she says miserably, and Jensen wraps an arm around her, presses a kiss to her head.  
  
“Don't worry about it. Not my first time cleaning up puke,” he laughs, “Do you know what you took?”  
  
She shakes her head, eyelashes wet and clumped, “Brock said it'd make me feel good. And it did, for a while.”  
  
Jensen nods, “Probably just mixed it with too much Cuervo,” he tells her. He doesn't want her to feel embarrassed, Jensen has had an awful lot of nights like these. Besides, Brock's too rich to buy shitty drugs. Not that it makes giving them to girls he's trying to sleep with any better.  
  
They sit for a while, Danneel letting Jensen hold her while she gets her shit together.  
  
“Y'know,” she says, tipping her head against his shoulder, “You're a lot nicer since you started dating Jared.”   
  
Jensen laughs. Jared brings out the better side of him, that's probably true. He doesn't feel quite so bitter about the world anymore, difficult to when the hottest guy on the planet wants to hold your hand between classes.  
  
“Friends don't let friends puke alone,” he responds in the end, squeezing her a little. A thought occurs to him, “You didn't do this sort of thing at your last school did you? Smoking up and stuff?” Even in the basement, she usually only has a couple of tokes before the giggles take over, he really should have noticed.  
  
She shakes her head, “I had a pretty quiet group of friends.”  
  
“Next time, don't let us leave you alone then, huh? I feel pretty shitty for not taking better care of you.”  
  
“Dan-” the door bursts open and Brock pulls up short, taking in the scene before him. “Shit,” he says, stumbling for the door jamb to grab on to, “Is she okay?”  
  
And really, that's enough. Jensen eases away from Danneel and props her up with the wall, dragging Brock out into the hallway and shoving him up against the wall.  
  
“What the fuck man?” Brock cries out, head cracking back against the plaster. Compared to Jared Jensen sometimes feels tiny, but he is not a small guy. He could take Brock.  
  
“You're a fucking asshole Kelly, is what,” Jensen shouts, rage bubbling up in him, “You always go around drugging innocent girls? Does that do it for you?”  
  
Brock pushes back, getting in Jensen's space, “Shut your mouth. It was E Jensen, you want to tell me you've never done it?”  
  
Jensen laughs harshly, “Whatever the fuck that was cut with was not E dude, she's puking her guts up in there. You can't just give a girl like that pills, try dinner and a movie if you want to get laid.”  
  
“Fuck you.” They shove each other back and forth for a while, but Jensen knows they're both too drunk for it to be anything other than half-hearted.  
  
They wind up shoved up against the wall, Brock's breath sour on Jensen's face and he only gets a second to register the intent in Brock's eyes before there are lips on his.  
  
It barely lasts a second, Jensen grunts and shoves away before their mouths do anything but meet. He pushes off the wall and backs up, wiping a hand across his mouth.  
  
“What in the ever loving fuck, was that?”  
  
Brock starts laughing, wasted out of his mind and cracking up against the wall. He spreads his arms out wide, “I'm fucking gay Ackles, what do you think? I just can't help myself around you.”  
  
Jensen narrows his eyes in disgust, “You're not gay dude, you're an asshole. How about you go and sleep it off and I won't mention this to anyone when you feel like the world's biggest prick tomorrow morning.”  
  
Brock's eyes widen a little, like he's just now realising what he did. What it might mean. “Jensen,” he starts, stepping forward, both hands up like a shield.  
  
“I'm serious,” Jensen says, all too aware of the people still milling around just down the stairs, “Nothing happened here. Now get the fuck out of my sight before I decide to tell Jared.”  
  
He doesn't hang around to watch Brock stumble away. Danneel is half passed out when he gets back into the bathroom and Jensen fires off a quick text to Jared for some assistance. They need to get the hell out of this house.

::  
  
Jensen's mom is in the kitchen the next morning when he shuffles in, he feels like shit and his back is killing him from a night on the couch. Story of his life.  
  
Donna hands him a cup of hot coffee and goes back to washing dishes. “Your friend Danneel is in your bed with Sophia. Is there something I should know about here?” She asks.  
  
Jensen grunts, gulping down as much coffee as possible without burning his tongue off. It is too fucking early and he is too fucking hungover.  
  
“Danneel wasn't feeling too good last night, couldn't send her home.”  
  
Donna nods. “Y'know, it's going to be pretty difficult for me to show my face at PTA meetings if it gets out that my house is where all the drunk kids take refuge.”  
  
Jensen snorts a little because, of all his friends, his house is the only one they never get fucked up in. He has, like, respect and stuff.  
  
“So pretend you're like a normal parent and that I didn't admit that to you.”  
  
She rolls her eyes, “Jensen, I know I turn a blind eye to a lot of things because I happen to think you're a pretty good kid, but at some point the drugs and the drinking are going to have to stop.”  
  
“And here I was, thinking you  _wanted_  me to go to college.”  
  
She throws a dish towel at him, “Don't get smart. I'm parenting here.”  
  
Jensen smiles a little, coming up behind her and giving her a hug. She's so much smaller than him now. “I promise you, you don't have anything to worry about. I spent most of the night cleaning up other people's vomit.” Which is, mostly a lie, but still.  
  
Donna sighs, sinking back against him, “So the party wasn't much fun then?”  
  
“Not so much,” he says, giving her a final squeeze and going back to his coffee. He's trying not to think about the whole Brock thing, every time he does his stomach gets tight and guilty and it makes him feel ill all over again.  
  
Donna turns to watch him, she has suds on her hands. “You seem different,” she tells him. “More...relaxed maybe? Happier.”  
  
Jensen shrugs. He should probably be offended by how often that keeps getting brought up. How much of an asshole was he before anyway?  
  
“Life doesn't suck.”  
  
“Your father would be proud of you, I think,” she says, looking down at her hands, “Maybe not the extracurriculars, but I don't think I've done a terrible job of raising you, have I?”  
  
Jensen doesn't know what's brought this on, but he really doesn't like it. “Mom, you're amazing. All my friends adore you, Mac wants to be just like you.”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Yeah. Now make me some breakfast woman, I see that stack of college brochures you're just dying to show me.”  
  
Donna laughs, the moment forgotten, and heads for the fridge. They spend the rest of the morning on the sofa, talking about college and Jensen even starts to feel a little like it's not the world's worst idea. He doesn't even kick Mac when she gets up and starts eating his cereal. It's the lightest he's felt in a long while.

::  
  
“Remind me why we're doing this again?” Milo asks, shaking out the dust sheet.  
  
Jensen doesn't look at him. “Because I need to be someone else for a while.”  
  
“And you picked me.”  
  
“I like you best,” Jensen lies, flicking a smile. It's what Milo would say, paint a smile on people, brush in hand or not.  
  
It's six thirty in the morning, breath clouding the air, even inside the shed. Milo looks winter pale in weak morning light and Jensen picks up the spray gun.  
  
“So I just point and shoot?” he asks. There's an awful lot of canvas in front of him. Milo said they might as well start out with something bold.  
  
“Pretty much.”  
  
Jensen fires, arch of hot pink spatters across white, dripping where it's gotten too thick. It's more than satisfying.  
  
“So how's operation art school going?” Jensen asks, lip caught between his teeth because he's never been bad at anything. This needs to be good.  
  
“Not great. I told her, she cried, I said I'd think things over again.” It's pretty important to Milo not to make his mom cry, but she's one of those ladies that always seems on the verge of tears, frail and quiet and papery. She's like a negative, as if all the life just got sucked out when Milo's brother died.  
  
Jensen keeps spraying, until Milo tugs the gun away. He presses a flat edged brush into Jensen's hand. “Paint's still wet, move it around.” He nods when Jensen moved in again, it feels more like painting up close, he can smell it.   
  
“You made any decisions?”  
  
Jensen shrugs, elbow clacking against the canvas and coming away sticky, neon pink. “Nah. My mom wants me to go upstate, but I haven't decided yet.” Jensen's whole skipping college thing seems to have being forgotten as quickly as he brought it up.  
  
“What about Jared?”  
  
“What about him?”  
  
“Where's he going? He must be going somewhere, he's a Padalecki. Isn't his brother like a doctor or something?”  
  
Jensen trades his brush in for some gold paint, clumped with glitter, and starts smearing it on with his fingers. Milo looks impressed. Jensen shrugs, “Something like that. I don't know, I think he's been looking upstate too. No plans.”  
  
Milo doesn't say anything for a while, watching in that quiet way he has sometimes. Then, “So you guys are pretty serious then?”  
  
Jensen doesn't look up. “I guess. He's pretty cool.” And off Milo's down turned look, “Why? Things not going so well with Soph?”  
  
It's not something they usually talk about. Sophia is like Jensen's sister after all, it's just easier for everyone if Jensen doesn't take an interest. “Me and Soph will never just be me and Soph. Nothing ever turns out like you think it will does it?”  
  
There's a bitterness twisting his voice that Jensen's never heard before and when he glances over, Milo's mouth is twisted to match.  
  
“I guess not,” he says, “I mean, look at me and Jared.”  
  
“And Danneel and Brock,” Milo puts in. Jensen turns back to the canvas as his stomach drops, thinking about Brock fucks him up now. It was nothing and a whole lot of something at the same time, he's been avoiding Jared since the party because he feels so bad. It's an odd feeling.  
  
Jensen moves over to the washbasin in the corner after a while, rinses his hands and watches the water sparkle as it swirls away. Time could stand still in the shed.  
  
He gives Milo a kiss on the forehead as he heads back, says, “Stop thinking so much dude, it's bad for you,” and wishes he knew who he was talking to.

::  
  
Jensen doesn't see Jared Friday night because he has a game and even Jensen isn't enough of a glutton for punishment that he needs to go and sit through that. He closes up for his mom instead, with a promise to head home after instead of going to Chad's. Jensen figures he can afford his mother a couple of weeks for constructive parenting before she gets bored.  
  
He's about three minutes away from turning off the coffee maker and flipping the closed sign when a woman comes hurrying through the door. She's wearing a beige jacket, belted tightly at the waist and a very high pair of heels. Jensen knows she's Jared's mom because he's seen her picture before, but he doesn't think he remembers ever seeing her in person.  
  
She orders a cappuccino to go with a distracted smile as she roots through her purse for some change.  
  
It's only as Jensen's sliding the cup across the counter, pressing the lid on tight that she pauses. Jensen's breath catches in his throat when her eyes flick up to his face.  
  
“Are you Jensen?” she asks, voice light and airy, like the best kind of southern belle.  
  
“Yes ma'am.” He is in no way normally this polite to customers. Or strangers. But his boyfriend's mother seems pretty important.  
  
She smiles a little, “Well aren't you handsome. Call me Sherri honey, I'm Jared's mom.”  
  
Jensen nods, “I know.”  
  
“I figured you might,” her lips purse a little, “You and Jared have been spending quite a lot of time together lately.”  
  
It's not a question, but Jensen looks down, answering anyway, “We're friends.”  
  
Sherri picks up her coffee, watching him closely. She pauses by the door, “You know, Jared's daddy doesn't pay a whole lot of attention to anything that doesn't toss a ball,” she says, “But I'm not blind. You make Jared very happy, Jensen. He could do a lot worse.”  
  
It startles a laugh out of him and Sherri smiles with a hand on the door, “Now don't tell him I said that, let him sweat some more. We'll talk when he's ready.”  
  
And then she's gone, jingle of the bell as bright as her voice. Jensen stares dumbly at the door for moment.

::  
  
“Oh,  _oh_ , fuck Jen...”  
  
Jared's body pulls tight, back arching against the bed and his fingers sink painfully into Jensen's shoulder as he comes. Jensen screws his mouth down tight and takes it all, Jared's come thick and heavy on his tongue. If he hadn't already come ten minutes ago his dick would probably be ready for another round.  
  
“Oh shit,” Jared gasps, flopping back onto the bed, boneless. Jensen moves up beside him and can't fight his grin. He wipes his mouth with back of his hand and Jared groans, hand moving to cup his spent cock. “Don't fucking  _do_  that.” Jared grumbles.  
  
“What?” Jensen is the picture of innocence.   
  
“Fucking wiping your mouth all fucked out and slutty,” Jared growls, rolling over to crush their mouths together. He can taste himself on Jared's tongue and it's unexpectedly hot.  
  
Jared pulls back to flop down beside Jensen again with a sigh. “You have no idea how pretty you are do you?” He asks, “So hot.”  
  
Jensen flushes right down to his toes. He ignores Jared so as not to embarrass himself horribly and stares at the ceiling instead, trying to catch his breath. He loves sucking Jared off, having that big body writhing under his hands, there's nothing like it.  
  
Jared pats a hand across the bed until he finds Jensen's, links their fingers together. “So you seem better,” Jared says.  
  
And just like that, Jensen feels like shit again. It's been over a week since the party and he's been getting on fine. Brock's been avoiding him like the plague, which is pretty impressive considering how much time he's spent hanging around Danneel. They haven't talked about it and as far as Jensen is concerned they aren't going to. But it still sucks to feel like he's keeping secrets from Jared, he doesn't like it.  
  
“Hey,” Jared says, concerned. He rolls onto his side and Jensen can feel Jared's eyes on his face. “You okay?”  
  
Jensen sighs and doesn't look at Jared. The ceiling isn't offering him any comfort at all, but it might make this easier to get out. The Jensen he was before Jared came along would seriously not have had any problems keeping this quiet.  
  
“Brock kissed me,” he says, words rushing out in a jumble, “For like a second. And it wasn't a big deal, he was wasted but.”  
  
He pauses, waiting for Jared to explode, to shout or leave or break up with him. Possibly accuse him of lying, that's how this should probably go.  
  
Jared does sit up, but only to make Jensen look at him, and he doesn't seem pissed off. “I know,” he says quietly, fingers soft on Jensen's jaw.  
  
Jensen mouth drops open, “What? How?”  
  
“Brock told me, like the day after it happened. I think he felt guilty.”  
  
“So you've known? All week and you didn't say anything?” Jensen sits up and straightens his shirt. He feels embarrassed and he doesn't know why.  
  
Jared shrugs, “I didn't think it was a big deal. Brock told me what happened, you didn't do anything wrong.” He pauses, “You didn't  _like_  it did you?”  
  
“No! It was awful, I feel terrible about it.”  
  
Jared laughs, hooks an arm around Jensen's neck and pulls him in close, “Well don't. I'm not mad at you. I'm a little pissed at Brock, but we're big boys, we'll work it out.”  
  
“Seriously? You don't care?”  
  
“I care,” Jared tells him quietly, “I care that it upset you and I'm glad that you told me. But I'm not angry with you about it.” He looks down, “I trust you.”  
  
Jensen doesn't know what to do with that. His heart feels like it's expanding, filling up his chest with warmth and Jared. Jared makes him feel soft inside and delicate.  
  
“So can you stop freaking out now please? We're fine.”  
  
Jensen rolls his eyes hard. He used to be so much cooler than this. “You've ruined me,” he says and Jared laughs.  
  
It's fine. They're fine. But the unsettled feeling in Jensen's belly hasn't gone anywhere and he has no clue what to do about it.

::  
  
Jared throws a barbecue the next weekend because his parents are out of town and it isn't raining. Apparently his summer in Texas left him with a few cravings.  
  
Jensen sits in a lawn chair beside Chad wrapped up in one of Jared's sweatshirts with a long neck freezing cold between his knees. He watches Jared tossing burgers and joking around from across the back yard. He's so tall, everyone gravitating to him and vying for his attention, Jensen can't believe he's the one Jared's picked. It doesn't make any sense.  
  
“You pop wood and I'm not sitting with you anymore dude.” Chad's watching him watching Jared.  
  
“Shut up,” Jensen says, face flushing. “Why are you sitting with me anyway? Soph's over there,” he points to the corner of the yard with his bottle. Sophia's standing around with Milo and Danny and a couple of girls Jensen recognises from Spanish class.  
  
Chad rolls his eyes, “I don't need to follow her around like a dog dude. Besides, someone's got to keep your sorry ass company.”  
  
Jensen puts a hand over his heart, “That's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me.”  
  
Chad grins, “Fuck you.”  
  
Jensen shakes his head, reaches out to pat Chad's shoulder to settle him down. Chad's a pretty loud guy, bitter and crass and smarter than anyone ever gives him credit for. When Jensen's dad died, Chad was the only one who got it, that he didn't want to talk about it and he didn't need anyone's shoulder to cry on. They'd sit in silence and stare at the wall for hours those first few months. Jensen likes to think he calms Chad down.  
  
Chad knocks his beer against Jensen's and points across the lawn, “Soph owes me ten bucks,” he says.  
  
Danneel's over by the house, arms folded across her chest but loosening with every minute Brock talks to her. They're standing close together and Jensen watches as Danneel smiles, blush rising in her cheeks, watches Brock reach out to touch her elbow, watches them hug.  
  
So much for staying away from the guy.

::

They make it through the next few weeks without incident. Danneel goes on a few more dates with Brock, apparently having forgiven him for doping her up until she puked. Sophia is less than impressed and Jensen is sick of hearing about it.  
  
Christmas is fast approaching and Jensen's got a handful of college applications filled out, set aside to mail if it feels right. Jared's pile has three of the same schools in it, but Jensen's not thinking about that.  
  
“We're going camping this weekend,” Sophia calls out, barging into his house uninvited, as ever, Chad in tow. Jensen turns to say something rude and comes up short when Jared trails in behind them, tossing his bag in the corner with Sophia's and kicking off his shoes. It makes his belly tingle to think that Jared fits here so well now.  
  
“We're what?” Jensen asks, eyebrow quirked, but with less bite than intended because Jared rubs a hand over his hair as he follows Sophia into the kitchen, leans down for quick kiss.  
  
She comes back out with two glasses of juice and hands one off to Jensen, apple, he notes. “We're going camping,” she says, dropping into the recliner.   
  
“Why?”  
  
Chad makes a sweeping gesture, pointing a finger at Jensen, “Thank you!” he says, “Why would we do that? That's what I've been saying since she came up with this.”  
  
Jared brings Jensen a bag of chips and settles down on the couch between him and Chad. “I think it'll be fun,” he says, dropping a hand to Jensen's leg.  
  
“It's fucking December,” Chad says, “We'll all freeze our nuts off.”  
  
Sophia snorts, reaching over to change the channel. Jensen doesn't bother saying anything, he's watching Jared now anyway.  
  
“The woods near school have loads of camping spots, my dad used to take me and Jeff every summer,” Jared's saying, face lit up and Jensen has the sudden sinking realization that he's going to end up on a camping trip in the middle of December, because that's what Jared does to him.  
  
Maybe having sex will keep them warm in their tent. It had fucking better.

::  
  
Saturday morning they walk to the camp site from the ferry dock, laden down with bags and bottles. Jensen's not sure it technically counts as a trip if it's walkable from your house.  
  
Danneel's up ahead, hand in hand with Brock and isn't that just perfect. A weekend with Brock, just what Jensen signed up for. The guy's been smiling and joking around with Jared all morning, slapping Chad on the back and generally acting as if this is a place where he belongs. It's taken Danneel months to creep in under Jensen's skin, Milo's still warming up to Jared. Brock shouldn't be allowed to just fit right in, these are  _Jensen's_ friends.  
  
Chad jostles him with a sharp elbow, “You have a crush on him or something?”  
  
“What?”  
  
Jared's too far away to have heard that, carrying more than his fair share of bags and elbowing branches as they trek further inland, but Jensen's heart still jumps into his throat.  
  
“Brock. You've been staring at him all morning.”  
  
Jensen rolls his eyes, “No I don't have a crush on him. And keep your fucking mouth shut with that shit.”  
  
Chad eyes him for a while, makes Jensen's shoulder tighten up. He can hear Sophia up ahead, already at the camping spot and shouting orders at someone.  
  
He pauses when Chad stops suddenly, drop his bags to the ground.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Y'know, before all this stuff with Jared, you used to talk to me.”  
  
It's cold, winter sun weak and in his eyes and Jensen doesn't have the energy for this.  
  
“No I didn't.”  
  
“Well maybe you should. What's the deal dude? You've been acting weird for weeks.”  
  
Chad wouldn't ask if he didn't care, is the thing. But that doesn't mean he's going to get anything out of Jensen. He should know that by now.  
  
Jensen shoulders his backpack and starts moving again. “Everything's fine,” he says and doesn't wait for Chad to catch up.

::  
  
Camping isn't really Jensen's thing, as it turns out. He stands around and watches while Jared, Chad and Brock pitch the tents, then he sits with Sophia while they collect fire wood and get it all set up. By the time they start slapping each other on the back as the fire crackles to life, Jensen's got a joint between his lips, sprawled out on his belly in his tent and watching through the open door flap. He's just not into it.  
  
“You okay grumpy?” Danneel asks. She's bundled up in more layers than Jensen can count and sitting in the grass outside his tent door. She shakes her head when he offers her a toke so Jensen keeps his mouth shut.  
  
She watches Jared and Brock tackle Chad to the ground. Usual stuff guys like them do, Jensen supposes.  
  
“You're a miserable bastard, you know that?” she asks suddenly. “We're supposed to be having fun.”  
  
Jensen quirks an eyebrow. Nothing's ever fun if you've already decided that it has to be, he's quite content to wear his melancholy like a blanket.  
  
“So go have fun with your boyfriend,” he says, “What are you doing sitting over here with me?”  
  
Danneel smacks his shoulder, “He's not my boyfriend. And I happen to like sitting with you,” she rolls her eyes, “Even if you are an asshole.”  
  
He doesn't have anything to say to that, takes another drag and lets the smoke fill up all the empty places inside himself.  
  
“I don't know what went down with you and Brock okay? He won't tell me. But whatever it is, you need to get over it. This miserable, emo act isn't fooling anyone.”  
  
Jensen rolls over on his back when she leaves, watches smoke curl against the green of his tent. His life was so much easier when he could still pretend he didn't care what people thought about him.

::  
  
The real men keep the fire going as the sun goes down and Chad was so right, it is fucking freezing. Jensen sits on a rock beside Sophia's camping chair and warms his hands like a homeless person. The weed's ironed out most of his anti-social mood, but he's still content to sit quietly.  
  
Jared's beside him but not touching because that's how Jensen measures distance between them these days. He's on his knees with Milo playing some retarded version of beer pong against Brock and Chad. It seems to involve three bottles of cheap ass beer and a rock. Jensen thinks they're losing.  
  
Sophia throws her own rock at Chad, missing him only slightly, “Hey asshole, music please.”  
  
The night's sort of blur from there. Chad sets up his iPod speakers and the drinks start flowing. Jensen watches Sophia dance with Danneel in the fire light until Jared comes over for kisses and then the rest of the world disappears for a while.  
  
It's Danneel who starts up the game of I Never, because that's the sort of bullshit fun they have in back water Louisiana, Jensen assumes. They reel through the usual crap, Milo's never cheated on a test (everyone drinks), Danneel's never cheated on a boyfriend (everyone drinks), Jensen's never played this stupid game before (everyone drinks), Chad's never seen Jensen naked (an unnecessary number of people drink). It gets more ridiculous as time goes on, which Jensen supposes is probably the point of all the drinking.  
  
Naturally, when it rolls around to Brock again, he rolls his eyes, salutes with his beer and says, “I've never sucked a dick.”  
  
They all laugh when everyone drinks but Jensen doesn't miss the way Jared flinches, eyes clouding over in that way of his. It makes his blood boil suddenly that Brock would do that, say something like that, knowing it'd get a rise out of Jared.  
  
It stews in him for a couple more rounds and the longer he sits there, watching Danneel laugh at everything Brock says, the more he wonders what the fuck the guy's doing here. They're not friends, he's not part of this group. Jensen's wants him gone.  
  
It pours out of him like bile, “I've never kissed my best friend's boyfriend while my girlfriend was puking up the drugs I gave her.” The words feel wrong in his mouth, like he's trying too hard.  
  
Sophia, Milo and Chad are so busy drinking that it takes them a while to notice everyone else has turned to stone. Freeze frame.  
  
“What?” Danneel says at the same time Jared hisses, “Jensen.”  
  
The color has drained from Brock's face, mouth open and Jensen's stomach sinks.  
  
Danneel's on her feet now, hand over her mouth, “What the fuck?” she asks, keeps asking when no one moves.  
  
It's like time uncoils when Brock springs forward and Jensen has a lap full of him, breath knocked from his lungs. Brock gets in about three punches to Jensen's ribs before Jared hauls him off. Jensen stays on the ground for a second, listens to Danneel crying and Brock cursing Jared out. Everything aches.  
  
“You shut your fucking mouth,” Brock's yelling, “You promised!”  
  
Jared's up behind Brock, one arm wrapped across his chest, even though he's not fighting anymore. Some sick, distracted, drunk part of Jensen's brain notes that they look pretty hot together and that just spurns him on.  
  
“I'm sorry,” Jared's saying, like any of this is his fault.  
  
“It's not Jared's fault you like dick dude,” Jensen says, getting to his feet hurts, but it's worth it to see Brock tense all over again, “Own it.”  
  
“Jensen, shut the fuck up,” Jared spits, like it means something, but Jensen never was very good at just letting things go. He's started this now, he's got an audience, he can't stop himself.  
  
Brock shrugs out of Jared's hold, pushes roughly away, “You don't know anything,“ he tells Jensen, lip curling, “Why don't you ask Jared how much I like dick huh?”  
  
It's like the world drops away.  
  
“What?”  
  
There's a hand on his shoulder, Milo trying to calm him and Jensen can't. It feels like he's on fire.  
  
“What the fuck did you just say?”  
  
Brock wipes a hand over his face, “You heard me.”  
  
Only Jensen doesn't need to ask Jared anything, it's written all over him, in every line of his perfect face. And it hurts, like a wave crashing through him, rage and pain boiling inside of him and he can't be here anymore. He has to get away.  
  
Hears Jared calling his name and keeps moving.  
  
He breaks into a run, they didn't walk that far, all he needs is to find the road.  
  
Jared comes crashing through the trees behind him, grabs Jensen's arm and whirls him around, “Jensen, wait. Just fucking wait, we need to talk about this.”  
  
And all of a sudden he can't keep his mouth closed.  
  
“What is there to talk about?” he asks, pushing Jared off, “Are you fucking serious with this shit? You fucked Brock Kelly.”  
  
“It wasn't like that!” Jared cries out, hands rubbing across his face. His cheeks are wet and it hurts something deep inside of Jensen to see Jared crying, but he can't make himself shut up.  
  
“Really? You couldn't get pissed at me because you'd done the same thing! Only worse!”  
  
Jared paces away, back to Jensen and he sounds so betrayed when he speaks, “It was months ago, that isn't fair.”  
  
And it isn't, of course it isn't, but some horrible, dark, twisted place inside of him is so sick with jealousy and hurt that he can't breathe.  
  
“Well what would you call it?”  
  
Jared deflates, chest heaving and tears streaming freely down his face. “I was confused, okay? I didn't know what I was doing and he was just there, and I was going out of my way to fuck everything else up anyway so I just did it.”  
  
“Do you love him?” Jensen asks because, clearly, he hates himself.  
  
Jared's eyes widen, “What? No! I love you, you dick.”  
  
And Jensen can't take this anymore. What the hell is he supposed to do with that? He throws his hands up and drops to sit on the freezing ground, damp seeping into his jeans right away. Jared just hangs there for a moment, arms by his sides before dropping to sit across from Jensen. Jensen covers his face with his hands, grinds the heels of his palms into his eyes as if that'll make this all go away.  
  
Jared  _loves_  him.  
  
Jensen takes a deep breath, fills his lungs with cold air and lets the anger drain away, it's exhausting.Every bone in his body is telling him to get up, get away. He doesn't want to hear this.  
  
But he's tired of running. And he's tired of being afraid of this.  
  
“Tell me what happened,” he says quietly. His voice feels brittle and it's more than possible that he doesn't want to know.  
  
Jared shakes his head a little and looks over Jensen's shoulder. He can hear shouting in the distance and bets Brock isn't getting an easy time of it right now either.  
  
“I sucked him off,” Jared says, pained, “Last spring, when I realized why me and Sandy didn't feel right, or I admitted it to myself or whatever bullshit line you want me to spin. And I lost it a little, I don't know what you want me to say. I started drinking a lot and fighting with my folks and then I got drunk with Brock and it just happened.” He sucks in a breath, eyes focusing a little closer to Jensen, “It was stupid and he freaked out and we fought, like, a lot. And I ran out and got more drunk and drove my truck into a wall.”  
  
“He hit you?” Jensen asks, fierce protective streak piping up even now.  
  
Jared shrugs, “I deserved it. He's been. I don't know, really great about it ever since and we just put it behind us. Maybe that's why I didn't do anything about him kissing you, I didn't want to rock the boat.”  
  
Jensen nods, that makes sense, it's fucking awful but it makes sense. “So is he gay?”  
  
“I don't know. He wouldn't admit it even if he is,” Jared lips twist as he finally meets Jensen's eyes, “Not all of us have super amazing parents like you.”  
  
“That's a bullshit excuse,” Jensen spits because he will not apologise for having a mom like his. Never.  
  
“I didn't mean it like that. I don't know if he's gay, probably not, he really likes Danneel.”  
  
Jensen snorts, “He can probably kiss that goodbye after this clusterfuck.”  
  
Jared sniffles, wipes at his face with his sleeve and it's so cold out now, away from the fire. Jensen wishes he'd stopped to grab a hat or something.  
  
“What about us?” he asks, “Can I kiss that goodbye?”  
  
Wrapping his arms around his knees, Jensen shrugs a little. His heart hurts, still thudding in his chest from the confrontation but he's still here. Jared's too important to run away from. “It shouldn't matter, we weren't even friends then.”  
  
“But?”  
  
“But you should have told me!” Jensen cries, pressing his mouth against his arm for a second, “You should have told me and you didn't. I don't know what to do with that.”  
  
Jared nods, a fresh wave of tears spilling over, “I'm sorry,” he says, plainly. “I didn't know what to say.”  
  
Jensen shakes his head, because that doesn't get them anywhere.   
  
Silence hangs between them in the darkness.  
  
“When my dad died,” he says after a while, “I put my fist through the wall in my sister's room because she wouldn't stop crying. I was angry with her because she got to be so sad when I couldn't feel anything at all. She's a little kid and I hated her.”  
  
Jared looks confused by the sudden change of subject. “Jensen,” he starts.  
  
“No,” Jensen says, because it matters, “I did. I hated her. She screamed and cried and she didn't understand and she made it all about her. And that's a horrible thing to know about myself, but it doesn't make it any less true.”  
  
Jared's frowning, “I don't understand.”  
  
“There are a lot of things about me that I don't want you to know about.” Plenty he'll be taking to the grave.  
  
“That's. I don't even know what that is. Jensen, I never asked you to be perfect, I don't want you to be. I know you, you're a lot more fucking transparent than you think you are.”  
  
That should sting. “Maybe you're the problem then, maybe it shouldn't take  _this_  for you to tell me the truth.”  
  
Jared looks down, all shadow, “I was scared that if you knew, you wouldn't be interested. You're the one who ran away because you thought I was experimenting. I didn't want you to think I was scared.”  
  
Oh fuck this. Jensen gets up on his knees and shuffles over to wrap Jared in a hug. It feels so much better, as soon as they're in each other's arms and Jared just crumbles, presses his face into Jensen's neck and sobs. Jensen holds him tight, blinks back tears of his own. It's still so fresh that he can't bear to think about it, but Brock's Jared's best friend. He must have been so fucked up to even go there. It makes Jensen realize how scared Jared must have been to touch him that first time in Chad's kitchen, and how badly Jensen could have fucked everything up.  
  
“I'm sorry,” Jensen murmurs into Jared's hair, “I wish I could have been there for you.”  
  
“No you don't,” Jared tells his shoulder, “It took three months of shovelling shit in Texas for me to be okay with it. I couldn't even look at you last year Jensen.”  
  
Jensen jerks away in surprise, “What?”  
  
Jared laughs a little, wiping at his face until Jensen takes his hands, links their cold, damp fingers together. “You were so pretty.” Jared tells him, “Gorgeous and smart and you didn't give a shit what people thought about you. I was terrified of you.”  
  
His eyes are so warm, watery, but still so full of affection and Jensen has to kiss him. Just press their mouths together as proof that Jared is even real.  
  
“You're fine, just the way you are.” He laughs, “Jared, you're the strongest person I know. You hold me together when I'm all over the place.”  
  
Jared presses their foreheads together, “I told you, you're my mess.” And Jensen nods, bringing his hands up to cup Jared's cold face.  
  
“And you're mine. I never asked you to be perfect either.”  
  
“You mean it?” Jared asks, all hope.  
  
Jensen nods firmly, all that soft adoration in Jared's eyes is building him up. He can be strong enough for this. He's not going to lose Jared over his own stupid insecurities, he's smarter than that.  
  
“Always,” he says, because he's seventeen and it doesn't feel like there'll ever be anything other than this, he knows there won't.  
  
Jared surges forward, trying to kiss Jensen and laugh at the same time. It winds up a desperate clash of lips and teeth and tongue, but Jensen can't remember a better kiss. They fall back into the dirt, keeping at it even when the cold soaks through their clothes. They're wrapped in each other, that's enough.  
  
When they separate a while later Jensen nods for Jared to go on ahead of him. “It's fine, I just need a minute.”  
  
Jared gnaws on his lips for a second, wavering, “You sure about this?”  
  
“I'm sure about you,” Jensen says. And he is, so sure and he has to trust Jared with this, has to hand himself over and just hope. Being scared of this isn't getting him anywhere.  
  
“Hey,” he calls out as Jared's walking away. Jared turns, smile on his face and he's so beautiful, he's all Jensen wants, “I love you too. You dick.”  
  
Jared laughs out loud, head tossed back.   
  
He doesn't stay sitting in the grass alone for long. No point moping, even if he is awesome at it. But it does take him a while to get his head on straight. One blowjob he can deal with, that doesn't hurt as much as the idea of Jared so in over his head he had no one to talk to. That breaks his heart.

::  
  
Jensen's mom eyes them when they drag themselves in through the back door Sunday lunchtime. She's got a pot on the stove and Mac's drawing at the kitchen table. Jensen feels like he's been hit by a truck and has never been so glad to be home.  
  
“You kids okay?” Donna asks warily, hand on Jensen's arm.  
  
Milo had offered to walk Danneel home as soon as they hit the island and Chad had taken off after Brock. Jensen surprises himself by being glad that none of them are alone right now. Even if he still can't stomach the thought of Brock's smug face.  
  
Sophia accepts the hug Donna's offering and snuggles in close. Jensen's used to watching his mom comfort kids who aren't hers and let's be honest, Sophia pretty much is.  
  
“He pulled a Jack,” Sophia says and Jensen mentally kicks himself for ever thinking anything nice about her. She can suck it.  
  
Donna shakes her head, “Of course he did.”  
  
“What?” Jared asks, “What's 'pulling a Jack'?”  
  
Jensen sighs, as if his weekend isn't going badly enough, he's barely through the door before they start in on him.  
  
“You may have noticed Jensen's flair for the dramatic,” his mom says affectionately, “We can always rely on him to ruin a good time with some sort of outburst. He's been doing it since he was in pull ups, used to drive his dad crazy.”  
  
Which is just. And from his own mother.  
  
“Fuck you guys.”  
  
Sophia rolls her eyes, pulling away from Donna and looking to Jared, “That's Jack for _you're right, I am the world's biggest asshole and I'm very sorry_.”  
  
Jared laughs, snaking an arm around Jensen's shoulders and pulling him close. Jared's warm everywhere they touch. “Don't be mean to him, I think it's cute,” Jared says, warming him inside as well.  
  
Donna turns back to the stove with a wry smile, “Fuck me, it must be love.”  
  
“Fuck off!”  
  
Jared nudges Sophia, “What did it mean that time?”  
  
She laughs, patting Jared's chest, “That he loves you too dumbass.”  
  
Jensen ruffles Mac's hair as he leaves the room, letting her slap at him and giggle. She's another in a long line of people he can't find the words to apologize to.

::  
  
They drop Sophia in front of the TV and head upstairs to curl in Jensen's bed. After the last few weeks Jensen can't think of anything he wants more than just snuggling up with his perfect boyfriend and forgetting the rest of the world. It feels like something's been split open between them now, like he doesn't have to have his guard up anymore. Letting Jared in is like free falling.  
  
Jared tucks Jensen in against his side, wraps him up tight. Jared's heartbeat is a steady rhythm in his ear and Jensen tries to breathe in time.   
  
“So,” Jared says, hand smoothing up and down Jensen's back, “You love me.”  
  
Jensen kicks him before tangling their legs together, “You said it first. I felt sorry for you.”  
  
“Sure you did.”  
  
Jensen can't think straight when Jared speaks against his skin like that, mouth shaping against his forehead and a soft kiss pressed between words. Jared ties him up in knots.  
  
“I guess you're okay,” Jensen allows with a shrug.  
  
Jared makes a contented sound and squirms deeper under the blankets, “I'm better than okay. You  _love_  me. We're in a  _relationship_.”  
  
Jensen decides to take the high road. “Looks like.”  
  
“It's going much better now you can form coherent sentences around me too.”  
  
“Fuck off.” It wasn't supposed to be like this, it was never supposed to  _matter_ , wasn't supposed to make him feel alive like this.  
  
Jared just cuddles him closer, kisses him soft and sweet. “Yeah, I love you too Jen.”  
  
He's found his missing piece.

::  
  
Danneel's house looks exactly like Jensen's and exactly like all the other houses north of the hardware store. Two storey red brick and a dirty porch.  
  
She looks tired when she opens the door and she doesn't let him in. That's fine, apologizing on porches is Jensen's thing.  
  
He lets her look at him expectantly for a while, hair fluttering in the breeze. He's had days to think this through, it's important that he says it right.  
  
“So here's the thing,” he tells her, bracing his hands on the porch railing behind him, “I'm kind of dick and I go out of my way to only spend time with people who don't mind it. So sometimes, I may forget that it isn't okay to just go around being a massive dick, which is what I was to you. So I'm sorry.”  
  
Danneel just looks at him.  
  
“I'm really sorry. I don't know when to keep my mouth shut.”  
  
“No kidding,” she rolls her eyes.  
  
Jensen shuffles a little, watches his breath fog the air. This had gone better when he'd practiced it with Jared, although he probably hadn't said dick as much.  
  
“This is the part where you yell at me,” he tells her because she isn't moving and she isn't looking at him and he can't breathe right.  
  
She just shakes her head, closing the door behind her as she steps outside. “I'm not going to yell at you.”  
  
“But-”  
  
“Yelling it out like that was an asshole move but he's the one that fucked up. I should never have even gone there again after the party, Sophia was right.” She shakes herself, “Whatever, it doesn't matter. I'm over it.”  
  
Jensen doesn't believe that for a second.   
  
“Jared says that Brock's a really good guy. He says that he probably wouldn't have even come back from Texas at all if Brock hadn't told him to. He says whatever happened last year was all his fault. Of course Jared also really likes  _me_  so, take that with a pinch of salt.”  
  
It's the closest he's ever going to come to apologizing to Brock, Jensen's big enough to admit that.  
  
Danneel leans on the railing beside him, presses her face against his shoulder and breathes him in, “I don't care.”  
  
Jensen gives her a hug because that obviously isn't true, but she isn't lying either. She's taller than Sophia, but still feels small in his arms. Jensen wonders when he started measuring the feel of everyone against Jared. That's new.  
  
“For the record? I don't mind that you're a dick either.”  
  
Jensen never thought that she did. His world's been changing since Danneel first showed up, she's been helping to break him open ever since. Not that he's ever going to tell her that, he's got a rep to protect here.  
  
He mails his college applications on the way home, before he has a chance to start feeling like himself again.

::  
  
“Explain this to me again.”  
  
Jared's spending his first morning in Milo's shed stripped to the waist and perched on Jensen's uncomfortable stool. He looks like a Greek god already and Milo hasn't even started to color him in yet.  
  
Ignoring Sophia's attempts to feel him up while mixing paints in the corner, Milo calls over, “Just take your shirt off and sit still.”  
  
Jensen lounges against the dust sheets, head in Sophia's lap while Milo turns Jared into a rainbow, city scape across his chest and exploding sky above. It's relaxing watching them move together, Milo deep in concentration and Jared's chest rippling with effort to stay still. Jared is the embodiment of perpetual motion, it means something Jensen can't put into words that Jared has agreed to do this. For one of Jensen's friends who has trouble looking him in the eye no less.  
  
“This isn't some sort of kink for you is it?” Jared asks when Milo moves in between his spread thighs, “Because dude, I gotta tell you, I'm a one man kind of guy.”  
  
Milo swaps brushes, giving Jensen a dirty look as he passes, like it's Jensen's fault his boyfriend is normal.  
  
“So's Milo.” Jensen doesn't even try to duck the punch Sophia throws. They've never talked about their bizarre three-way relationship before, no reason to start now.  
  
“Not everyone wants to settle down and get gay married like you guys,” Sophia snipes and Jensen ignores her because that's ridiculous. They haven't even had sex yet. Although it isn't as though their resolve to take things slow doesn't waver a little more with every touch. Jensen figures they've got plenty of time.  
  
Growing up isn't quite as scary now that he gets to do it with Jared.  
  
Milo takes his pictures, shoves Jared around until he gets what he wants, until Chad comes barrelling in through the door with Danneel on his back and a baggie between his teeth. He tosses it to Jensen, who drags his backpack over to find his papers and lighter before he even has a chance to think about it. Some things he has yet to grow out of.  
  
“You smoke that in here and my mother will kill you,” Milo says. He's washing up in the corner and doesn't even flinch when Chad slaps his ass.  
  
“No problemo dude, just saw her leaving.” Chad gives Sophia a hello kiss and sits himself down, “Light 'er up Jack.”  
  
Jared can't exactly put his shirt back on until he's cleaned up so he sits down beside Jensen in just his jeans. It's more than a little distracting.  
  
They smoke back and forth for a while until Jensen's arms feel heavy, the girls are slumped against the wall and Milo's stopped pretending to be disgusted by Chad. All his friends are together and laughing and his mind is drifting but he's happy.  _He's happy._  
  
Jared tackles him down onto the dust sheet, color smearing up Jensen's arms and kisses him, too much tongue and the softest lips in the world.  
  
“So I have a question,” Jared says, he's addressing the room but his eyes never leave Jensen's, that familiar warmth spreading through him, lighting Jensen up in places he didn't even know were dark, same as always.  
  
“Why  _do_  you guys call Jensen Jack?”

 


End file.
